As an expert on the finer points of professional football, I am often asked, “What food do you recommend for watching the ball game?” This is a delicate question and one which I will now address.
That is Rule No. 1. If it doesn’t make you burp, you don’t want it. Tacos, soda, beer, greasy hamburgers, Cherry Coke, Baby Ruth bars and onions are all good. In addition to giving you tasty satisfaction, they will leave you so bloated that you are convinced the only thing you have enough strength for is pressing the remote control.
This is good.
By contrast, vegetables, sushi, liver, crudites, watercress, apples and mineral water are bad. Very bad. These foods will make you feel healthy, and you will look around for something to do, and the next thing you know, you are out jogging during the fourth quarter.
I hope that answers your question.
And now (urp) excuse me, this week’s picks . . .
* NY GIANTS 30, LIONS 10: Wait a minute. Detroit? New York? We’ve seen this before, haven’t we?
* CHICAGO 43, NEW ENGLAND 10: Wait a minute. Chicago? New England? Wasn’t there a Super Bowl with . . . ? Hey. What’s going on here?
* MIAMI 31, TAMPA BAY 21: The battle for Florida. Winner gets a shuffleboard kit.
* NY JETS 24, PITTSBURGH 21: Mark Gastineau retires, and the Jets clobber Miami. Imagine how good they’d be if Joe Walton left.
* CLEVELAND 19, CINCINNATI 17: Bernie, Boomer. Bernie better.
* BUFFALO 27, GREEN BAY 17: OK, Packers. The fun’s over.
* LA RAMS 20, NEW ORLEANS 17: There’s something about a team whose stadium is just a few blocks from Bourbon Street. Sooner or later they’re gonna make a wrong turn.
* DALLAS 13, PHOENIX 10: You can leave your hat on, Tom. At least for this week.
* SEATTLE 30, SAN DIEGO 14: You can’t put people from San Diego indoors. Unless it’s a tanning salon.
* PHILADELPHIA 28, ATLANTA 9: Falcons can’t win the close ones. They can’t win the blowouts, either.
* SAN FRANCISCO 21, MINNESOTA 20: The 49ers are third in their division. Is this a crazy year, or what?
* LA RAIDERS 100, KANSAS CITY 3: Well, after all, they did lose to the Lions.
* HOUSTON 21, WASHINGTON 14: Here’s what I always wanted to know about the Astrodome: Does that dog from the Jetsons live there?
* (MONDAY NIGHT) DENVER 31, INDIANAPOLIS 30: I say we just let John Elway and Eric Dickerson arm wrestle for this one. They’re the only players who count.
* BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Philadelphia 27, Dallas 20 (Eagles won, 24-23).
* WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Denver 20, Pittsburgh 14 (Steelers won, 39-21).
* RECORD LAST WEEK: 11-3.
* RECORD FOR SEASON: 72-39-1.
* LAST WEEK VS. SPREAD: 6-8.
* SEASON VS. SPREAD: 54-55-3.