Thanks to the new millennium, we have had to update everything from computers to stationery. Now, with Valentine’s Day upon us, I suppose we have to update romance, too.
Particularly the love song.
Let’s face it. Many of the classic love songs of the 20th Century came from the ’30s, ’40s and ’50s. People like Cole Porter, Duke Ellington, the Gershwins. We haven’t had a new romantic classic in a long time, unless you count “Love Stinks.”
How far has the love song fallen? The following are actual titles from this week’s Billboard top 50: “Shake Your Bon Bon” by Ricky Martin, “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks, and “Untitled” by D’Angelo.
“Untitled”? No offense, but isn’t that pretty much mailing it in? Doesn’t every song begin as untitled? I think D’Angelo spent more time figuring out where to put the apostrophe in his name.
Perhaps our best shot is not waiting for a new classic, but in modifying the old ones. The music would stay the same, but the lyrics would be updated for the 21st Century to include computers, MTV and pro wrestling.
For example, the Gershwin classic “Our Love Is Here to Stay”:
In time the Rockies may crumble,
Gibraltar may tumble
They’re only made of clay, but
Our love is here to stay
Would now be …
In time, Netscape may double
Yahoo quadruple
How ’bout that Y2K?
Our love is here to stay.
Or the “Casablanca” signature song, “As Time Goes By,” which begins …
You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by
Would now be …
You must remember this
My Web site may get hits
My stock price may go high
But even if my hard drive dies
I’m your guy
There’s “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”:
You say tomato, I say tomaaato,
You say potato, I say potaaato,
Tomato, tomaaato, potato, potaaato,
Let’s call the whole thing off
Which would now be …
You say Madonna, I say Mariah
You say Christina, I say Shania
Britney, Whitney, Enrique and Ricky
Let’s turn the MTV off
Remember “Love and Marriage”?
Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
This I tell you brother,
you can’t have one without the other
That would now go: “Who Needs Marriage?”
Who needs marriage? Who needs marriage?
It’s an institute we must disparage
Let’s be like my brother
He’s 40 and still lives with my mothhh-er
And the original “My Funny Valentine”:
My funny Valentine
Sweet comic Valentine
You made me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
But you’re my favorite work of art
Would now be modified …
My funny Valentine
She wrestles in prime time
She hits the canvas like a tank
She lacks good principles
Her words unprintable,
But she’s got millions in the bank
Or the “Anniversary Waltz.”
Oh how we danced on the night we were wed …
Would be …
Oh, how we danced
When our companies merged
You cashed in stock,
I ate, then purged
OK. OK. So they’re not as mushy as the originals. This is the new century, pal. Get with it.
Besides, a modified classic is still better than “Untitled.”
Or my name isn’t M’itch.
MITCH ALBOM can be reached at 313-223-4581 or albom@freepress.com. Catch Mitch’s radio show, “Albom in the Afternoon,” 3-6 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM
(760).
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