“Good morning, class.”
“GOOD MORNING, TEACHER!”
“Welcome back to school. I hope you all had a nice summer.”
“It was cool.” . . . “Excellent.” . . . “Def!”
“Wonderful. Why don’t we begin this morning by introducing ourselves. Let’s go around the room and say our names. Young man, let’s start with you.”
“My name is Mud.”
“Why? Did you do something wrong?”
“No. My parents named me Mud.”
“I see. Young lady?”
“My name is Tiffany.”
“What a pretty name. And you, young lady?”
“My name is Tiffany.”
“What a coincidence. And the rest of you?”
“Tiffany . . . Max . . . Max . . . Tiffany . . . Max . . . Ashley . . . Max . . . Tiffany . . . Sam . . . Tiffany- Ashley . . . Tiffany-Max . . . Nashimu . . . Goblessu . . . Dweezil . . . Max . . . Lester . . . Caitlin . .
. Tiffany.”
“Goodness. What an interesting class. Well. I’m sure we all did some interesting things this summer, didn’t we?”
“YES, TEACHER!”
“Max, what did you do?”
“I divorced my parents.”
“I see . . . anyone else?” The rights stuff
“Young lady?”
“I went to space camp.”
“How exciti–“
“Then I went to computer camp. Then I went to architecture camp. Then I went to accounting camp. Then I went to wilderness training camp.”
“Goodnes–“
“Then I went to therapy.”
“How about you, Dweezil?”
“I watched TV.”
“All summer? Did your parents allow that?”
“My au pair did.”
“Young man, How about you?
dwwwedleee . . . doop
“Young man?”
beeeldee . . . bleedle . . . bloop-booop . . .
“LIFT HIS HEADPHONES, TEACHER!”
“Oh . . . excuse me, young man?”
“Hey, Dip-weed! What are you doing? I had 400,000 enemy fighters destroyed.”
“We’re trying to teach class here.”
“Go ahead, stupid. Who’s stopping you?”
“HE CALLED YOU STUPID! HAHA!”
“Young man, I might have to wash your mouth out with soap.”
“Try it. I’ll sue your butt under the Children’s Protection Act, the Children’s Rights Act, the Children’s Education Act and the Children’s Anti-Soap in the Mouth Act.”
“Hmm. If you don’t mind my asking, what do your parents do?”
“They work for the American Civil Liberties Union. Why?”
“Never mind. Boys and girls, as long as–
“SMALL PEOPLE!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED SMALL PEOPLE!”
“Oh, god.”
“Which god?”
“My parents don’t believe in God.”
“My parents say it’s up to me to choose if I believe in God, if I want to, otherwise, I don’t have to, based on the evidence.”
“Listen, class. Maybe we should break for recess. Who’d like some cookies and milk?”
“Cookies! How fattening!”
“Don’t you have any raw vegetables?”
“Or low-fat yogurt?”
“Is the milk with lactose?”
“OK . . . we’ll skip recess.” They want their MTV
“Show and tell. I know you all enjoy show and tell, right?”
“YEAH!”
“Who’s got something to show the class?”
“I do! I do! Look.”
“OH MY GOD, HE’S GOT A GUN! RUN, CHILDREN, RUN!”
“Relax, teacher. It’s not loaded.”
“Ohh . . . ohh . . . oh . . . heaven help us. . . . What are you doing with a firearm?”
“This is school, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Didn’t you ever see ‘Lean on Me’? “
“No. I didn’t see ‘Lean on Me’ ?”
“What?”
“Or ‘Heathers’?”
“Excuse me?”
“Or ‘Beavis and Butt-head’?”
“No! NO! I don’t know who Beavis and Butt-head are! I don’t understand computer games! I never went to space camp! I’m a teacher! The only child I can relate to in this class is this poor little boy here, whose pants barely each his ankles.”
“What pants? They’re basketball shorts.”
RRRRRRRRRIIINNNG!
“Thank goodness. The bell.”
“Can we go home now?”
“Yes. Kindergarten is dismissed.”
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