The suntan lotion cools my skin. The lounge chair is soft and inviting.
My mind drifts to waves. My mind drifts to surfboards. My mind drifts to ice cream vendors in string bikinis. . . .
What’s that noise?
Perhaps I’ll go for a pina colada. Or maybe a tequila sunrise. Tonight we’ll have a campfire, and maybe those ice cream vendors will come by and . .
What is that noise?
It sounds like a rumbling. It sounds like a pregnant bull. It sounds like .
. . my boss.
“IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON! WAKE UP! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUR PICKS?”
Ohmigod. How did he get here? How did he find me? How did he get into that ridiculous bathing suit?
Wait a minute. It’s football season?
“GET UP OFF THAT CHAIR AND PICK THOSE GAMES! NOWWWW!”
Now? . . .
LIONS 21, VIKINGS 20: Well, let’s start with our local heroes. Call me a dreamer. Call me a homer. Call me a cab for my boss, please. I’m going to assume the best for the Lions until they prove me wrong. Which could be 4 o’clock this afternoon.
BEARS 30, BROWNS 10: Yes, the Bears are rich. Yes, the Bears are conceited. Yes, every Bear now has an autobiography out in paperback. But lose to Cleveland? Oooh.
CHARGERS 41, DOLPHINS 34: Hike, pass, score. Hike, pass, score. Hike, pass, score. . . .
SAINTS 24, FALCONS 17: The season hasn’t even started and nobody cares about either of these teams.
JETS 30, BILLS 10: The Bills could have three Jim Kellys. They still stink.
BRONCOS 16 1/2, RAIDERS 16: Close, close, very close . . .
PATRIOTS 28, COLTS 13: Half the New England team is still in New Orleans, waiting for the Super Bowl to start. Fortunately, even the half that’s left is enough to beat Indianapolis.
BENGALS 35, CHIEFS 31: Ah, a battle of Midwestern teams. Ah, a showdown of Midwestern rivals. Ah, a game the networks wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole.
REDSKINS 24, EAGLES 10: I don’t care how smart Buddy Ryan is. He still doesn’t wear a helmet.
CARDINALS 14, RAMS 10: Remember last year, when we were all picking St. Louis for the Super Bowl? News travels slow in Missouri.
PACKERS 12, OILERS 10: Quick. Who’s the quarterback for Green Bay? If you said Lynn Dickey, you’re behind the times. If you said Vince Ferragamo, you’re behind the times. If you said Bart Starr, you’re legally dead.
49ERS 33, BUCS 14: The Bucs are praying for Bo Jackson to get tired of baseball. By Thursday, they hope.
SEAHAWKS 27, STEELERS 20: Let’s see. This game is important because . . . well, it’s important in that . . . well . . . ah, this game isn’t important.
(MONDAY NIGHT) COWBOYS 23, GIANTS 20: This ball is for Herschel, and this ball is for Tony. This ball is for Herschel, and this ball is for . . .
LAST WEEK’S RECORD: What last week? Last week I was on the beach.