“Open a present, Jack.”
“OK.”
“What is it?”
“It’s a contract. A five-year, $10 million contract from the Giants.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful, honey! What a lovely Christmas gift! And you thought all the major league teams were in some sort of conspira–“
“The Tokyo Giants.”
“Oh.”
**
“Open it, Lajoie.”
“OK, Campbell.”
“Who’s it from?”
“The Lance Parrish Fan Club.”
“Wait a minute. Listen.”
“What?”
“It’s . . . ticking . . . “
**
“Open the big one, Darryl.”
“Yes, dear.”
“It’s such a big box, Darryl.”
“Yes, dear.”
“Oh, my . . . it’s a . . . it’s a . . . “
“Yep. Just like I asked Santa. A linebacker.”
**
“Go ahead, Isiah. Open it.”
“All right. Hey. It’s Christmas bulbs.”
“And make sure you leave them on when you leave the house.”
“Oh, Mom . . . “
**
“Open a present, Kirk.”
“How about this one? It says ‘To Kirk.’ “
“What is it?”
“It’s . . . a . . . damn it. Look. It’s a box of Pampers. It must be from the sports writers, those morons. They got a lot of nerve. Wait’ll I get down to spring training. I’m gonna show those candy-butts a thing or two, I’m gonna–“
“Honey.”
“What?”
“That was for the baby.”
**
“Open yours first, Chris.”
“No, you go first, Martina.”
“Really Chris, I insist.”
“Uh-uh, Martina. Be my guest.”
“Chris.”
“Martina.”
“CHRIS!”
“MARTINA!”
**
“Open it, Flutie.”
“Gee . . . sunglasses and a headband. Who’s it from, coach Ditka?”
“Hmmm. Let me guess. . . .
**
“OPEN IT, TESTAVERDE.”
“What? This big box? Is this from you guys?”
“YEAH. IT’S YOUR NEW WALLET.”
“Very funny.”
**
“Bo, this is from me to you.”
“Thanks, Harbaugh. . . . Hey! A whistle!”
“Turn it over.”
“Michigan 21, Arizona State 13”
“I guarantee it.”
“You son of a gun. You know, you’re the best damn quarterback I ever had here.”
“Uh . . . thanks, Bo. Thanks a lot.”
“Jim? . . . Are you . . . crying?”
“Bo? . . . Are . . . you? . . . “
**
“Hey, Lajoie?
“Yes, Campbell?
“It’s still ticking . . . “
**
“OPEN IT, COACH JACQUES!”
“OK, men. . . . Oooh, this is very nice. A puck that says Feliz Navidad.”
“THAT’S FRENCH, RIGHT, COACH?”
“Close enough, men.”
**
Open it.
“OK.”
What is it?
“It’s a Free Press sports column. And it has some funny- looking guy’s picture at the top, and all it says is ‘THANKS FOR READING, DETROIT. HAVE THE HAPPIEST OF HOLIDAYS AND A JOYOUS NEW YEAR.’ “
Hmmm.
“I wonder who it’s from.”
Take a guess.
Merry Christmas.
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