ILLEHAMMER, Norway — It’s over. The torch has been extinguished. The Winter Olympics are gone until 1998, when, give or take a week, I should have feeling back in my toes.
Meanwhile, let’s see what you’ve learned:
It’s time for your final Olympic exam.
Books away. No talking. No. 2 pencils only . . . 1. The biggest problem with the XVII Winter Olympics was
a) All those dumb Tonya-Nancy updates kept getting in the way of the events.
b) All those dumb events kept getting in the way of Tonya- Nancy updates.
c) Connie Chung. 2. Which of the following phrases does NOT belong:
luge, bobsled, mental competence, ski jumping 3. Complete the following sentence. “Tonya Harding’s red rhinestoned mini-costume was . . .
a) better than her wedding dress.
b) a turn on, if you’re Joey Buttafuoco.
c) part of the new Mustang Ranch Collection. 4. Which of the following best describes a typical hour of CBS’s Olympic broadcast?
a) commercial, promo, tease, commercial
b) promo, promo, tease, commercial
c) commercial, commercial, SMASH! (sound of TV set being destroyed by shotgun blast.) 5. The Norwegian phrase “Hjortk es myni fintlk” means
a) “Help. A moose is in my bobsled.”
b) “I will marry the first man with gas heat.”
c) “Salmon croquettes, anyone?” 6. DEFEND THE FOLLOWING THESIS: Nancy Kerrigan lost to Oksana Baiul because no judge, in his or her right mind, could actually give a gold medal to something with Neil Diamond music.
(25 words or less.) 7. Select the proper caption for this photo.
a) “Harding Signs With Ice Show, Will Play Troll.”
b) “Speedskater Admits Steroid Use.”
c) “Salmon croquettes, anyone?” 8. TRUE OR FALSE: Once NHL players are in the Olympics, our U.S hockey team won’t be losing to Germany and Finland anymore.
(True. We’ll be losing to Canada.) 9. Complete the following sentence: “Whoever invented short track speed skating . . .”
a) is somewhere, right now, cracking up.
b) listened to too much heavy metal music.
c) should have his medication increased. 10. Identify these Olympic Games with the appropriate stage of Alberto Tomba’s career:
Lillehammer came for the food 11. The reason cross-country skiing is so popular in Norway is
a) They have to ski. Their cars won’t start.
b) The winner gets a pound of salmon.
c) Tonya Harding doesn’t do it. 12. Complete the following sentence: “I would watch the biathlon if . . .”
a) I were completely insane.
b) The alternative was Neil Diamond music.
c) They shot CBS producers instead of targets. 13. SHORT ANSWER: (Choose one of three) 1. Why do downhill skiers dress in Spider-Man costumes? 2. Why do speedskaters keep scratching their backs while they race? 3. Why do fools fall in love?
(10 words or less) 14. The difference between a lutz and camel jump is
a) whatever Scott Hamilton says it is.
b) they don’t have lutzes in Egypt.
c) now useless information until 1998. 15. Match the following Olympic heroes with their likely endorsement contracts:
Tommy Moe Whistler Radar
Picabo Street Hooked on Phonics
Tonya Harding The Club 16. Define “Nordic combined’
a) Britt Ekland and Elke Sommer.
b) Salmon and lox.
c) X-country skiing and freezing to death. 17. FINAL ESSAY: (50 words or less) If Nike gave Tonya Harding $25,000 for her legal defense, couldn’t they have thrown in an extra pair of skate laces?