VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN FOR HEISMAN HOPEFULS

I get a lot of letters asking how I will vote for this year’s Heisman Trophy. And since the award is being given Saturday, I guess I better decide.

Before I fill in the names, however, I want to modify the ballot, just a bit . . .

THE HEISMAN MEMORIAL TROPHY1989 OFFICIAL BALLOT — PLEASE PRINT

I hereby designate (name & college) as My First Choice to receive the HEISMAN MEMORIAL TROPHY awarded to the Outstanding College Football Player of the United States for 1989. To the best of my knowledge he conforms to the rules governing the vote.

I hereby designate (name & college) as My Second Choice for the HEISMAN MEMORIAL TROPHY. He should be considered the Outstanding College Football Player of the United States if my first choice breaks a leg, admits a drug habit, or confesses that, in private, he likes to wear stockings.

I hereby designate (name & college) as My Third Choice for the HEISMAN MEMORIAL TROPHY. He should win only if My Second Choice gets up during his acceptance speech and thanks his coach for “the $20,000 loan.”

I hereby designate (name & college) as My Fourth Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, in case My Third Choice is deported to Mexico.

I hereby designate (name & college) as My Fifth Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, in case the first five wear earrings.

I hereby designate (name & college) as My Sixth Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, or My First Choice, if we throw out the sissies from Notre Dame.

I hereby designate (name & college) as My Seventh Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY and to protect me from any Notre Dame linemen who might see this ballot. Stand out, yes — hand out, no

I hereby designate (name & college) My Eighth Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, provided he doesn’t play quarterback.

I hereby designate (name & college) My Ninth Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, provided he doesn’t play flanker or receiver or slot receiver or whatever the heck Raghib Ismail plays.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 10th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, as long as he gets muddy and bloody and when he trudges off the field, the only thing girls say to him is, “Oooh, disgusting.”

I hereby designate (name & college) My 11th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, if he can tell me why this man has his hand out.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 12th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY as long as he has never been seen by CBS, ABC, ESPN or IRS.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 13th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, as long as the words “under NCAA investigation” don’t upset you.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 14th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, in case the first 13 decide to play baseball.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 15th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, but I will make him My First Choice if he knows the names of all his classes, and in what buildings they are located.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 16th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, if the first 15 ever stop at Norby Walters’ apartment “to say hi.”

Candidates tough to finger

I hereby designate (name & college) My 17th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, provided his school’s sports information department does not have a fax machine, color graphics, poster making unit, or a recording studio.

I hereby designate (name & college) as My 18th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, provided his team never ran up the score on a school that couldn’t beat the Brady Bunch.

I hereby designate (name & college) as My 19th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, in case my first 18 fail their steroids test.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 20th Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, in case the first 19 try to study for their steroids test.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 21st choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, as long as his statistics do not add up to more than 1,000,000, since I can’t count that high.

I hereby designate (name & college) My 22nd Choice for the HEISMAN TROPHY, provided he meets the following criteria: 1) His number is not shaved into his hair. 2) He does not wear more than six gold chains. 3) He does not own a sports car with the license plate “CASH-ONLY.”

And finally, I hereby withdraw all the above candidates if they ever waved a finger at a TV camera. Any finger.

Anybody got a pencil?

Mitch Albom will sign copies of “Bo,” which he co-authored with Bo Schembechler, and “Decade Of Champions” by the Free Press Staff, 6-7 tonight at WaldenBooks, 16980 Kercheval, in Grosse Pointe.