There are a lot of funny quotes about raising teenagers. Most are painfully true. Like, “If you have teenagers, get a dog, so at least something will be happy to see you.”
Or, “I know I’m supposed to be preparing my teenagers for life, but it’s hard when they already know everything.”
Or, “The scariest part about raising a teenager is remembering the stupid things you did as a teenager.”
That last one came to mind when I heard about Detroit Judge Kenneth King, who has now been temporarily removed from the docket after trying to teach a lesson to … a teenager.
According to news reports, a local nonprofit group called The Greening of Detroit took a field trip last week to the 36th District Court, where Judge King explained what the court did. As he spoke, he noticed that a 15-year-old girl named Eva Goodman had fallen asleep. He woke her up, but Goodman somehow attracted his attention again (that part isn’t clear on the video of the incident) about 10 minutes later. That’s when the judge grew angry, and started to sound like every frustrated adult who ever dealt with an infuriating adolescent.
He said, “Why are you being disrespectful to this court?”
And: ”How old are you? You’re old enough to know better.”
And: “You sleep at home in your bed, not in court.”
And: “Quite frankly, I don’t like your attitude.”
Oooh. That last one. How many times has that sentence been uttered by adults, only to be followed by a laugh, a sneer, or an eye roll from a teen? The girl reportedly apologized, but the judge later told news outlets that he felt 15-year-old Goodman’s body language was disrespectful.
Now, if I have learned anything in a decade and a half of working with teens — in Haiti, at an orphanage, and in Detroit, at a rec center — it’s to walk away when stuff like that happens, before you say something you regret.
Judge King, instead, took action.
Bad move.
Teach a lesson, learn a lesson
The actions he took were severe. He had his staff take the 15-year-old out of the courtroom for about two hours, put into a prison uniform and handcuffed. He then conducted a mock trial, making her stand in front of her peers as he threatened to send her to a juvenile detention center. He later told a local TV station that he wouldn’t have likely done this, but “it was my own version of Scared Straight.”
Had this taken place strictly behind closed doors, maybe we’re not talking about it. But court proceedings are broadcast live. And that’s all it takes today.
The story spread around the world. The public outcry was intense. The Free Press interviewed Goodman’s mother and was told the family is currently homeless, making Eva’s fatigue even more sympathetic. According to her mother, she is traumatized.
In short order, King was temporarily removed from the docket, was ordered to undergo training, was let go from his teaching post at Wayne State University, and had his profile page taken down from its website. He also reportedly received death threats.
King discovered, the hard way, what many parents and teachers already know: When you try and teach teenagers a lesson, you often end up getting one.
Being the adult means being the adult
The biggest lesson is that while they may be as tall as you, and as strong as you, they are not as mature as you. They don’t think the same way. Science will tell you teens don’t comprehend risk the way adults do, but common sense will tell you escalating the stakes never works.
King got lost in the one-upping game that often comes with adolescent encounters. You say something. They ignore it. You say it louder. They still ignore it. You point out their rudeness. They act more rudely. You can’t win. It’s like the old joke. You tell your teenager, “Have a nice day.” They answer, “Stop telling me how to live my life!”
Many people have ripped Judge King for his actions, and I agree, handcuffs and prison uniforms have no place in this story. Eva Goodman wasn’t there on a charge. If she’s sleeping, you shake your head and maybe whisper something to the group leader about making sure the kids are actually ready for the experience next time.
But it’s hard. On the one hand, I’m a big believer that you teach people how to treat you. On the other hand, when you say “I will not be disrespected!” to a teen, you are almost assuring that you will be.
Judge King told the group: “One thing you’ll learn about my courtroom is that I am not a toy. I am not to be played with.”
That’s a little too much hubris for a field trip.
Now, some are asking, “How should the judge have handled it?” Well. He could have explained to group what would happen if a real defendant fell asleep in court. He could have stood over the sleeping teen and spoken about respect. Or, as was probably the better thing to do, he could have ignored her and just dealt with the kids paying attention.
Sometimes, with teens, you simply have to wait it out. Our burden is dealing with their issues, but their burden is having issues that they don’t know how to handle. Embarrassment. Attraction. Responsibility. Sexuality. In Goodman’s case, homelessness. Maybe hunger.
We want them to behave like grown-ups, but they’re not grown-ups. They’re also not children. They can’t run to Mommy and grab her leg and hide. They’re learning how to navigate the world.
Another good quote about teens is this: “They are the reason we lose it. And the reason we have to hold it together.”
Judge King might want to keep that one on his desk.
Contact Mitch Albom: malbom@freepress.com. Check out the latest updates with his charities, books and events at MitchAlbom.com. Follow him @mitchalbom.
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