ATTN: OFFICE. STOP. AM HOT ON BASEBALL’S TRAIL. STOP. SO HOT, I FORGOT ABOUT FOOTBALL. STOP. SORRY. STOP. SENDING PICKS FROM WAITRESS I MET INSTEAD. STOP. DON’T WORRY. STOP. SHE IS EXPERT. STOP. DON’T MIND KETCHUP STAINS. STOP. SHE DID THEM IN KITCHEN. STOP. HA-HA. STOP. HAD YOU FOOLED, DIDN’T I? STOP. THAT’S NOT KETCHUP. STOP. IT’S BLOOD, AS USUAL. STOP.
AND NOW, THE PICKS . . .
REDSKINS 31, LIONS 17: My heart wants the Lions to win. My heart wants the Lions to win big. My heart wants the Lions to prove themselves better than everybody thinks. My heart wants this. My heart also wants Christie Brinkley to pick me up from the stadium today.
BRONCOS 38, COLTS 9: Remember when John Elway told the Colts to shove it? Now he shows them where.
STEELERS 24, COWBOYS 21: I smell anger. I smell trouble. I smell an upset.
PATRIOTS 30, BILLS 10: I smell anger. I smell trouble. I smell an upset. Unfortunately, Buffalo smells, period.
BEARS 23, 49ERS 20: Let’s talk Jim. Let’s talk Joe. Let’s talk McMahon and Montana. One shaves his head into a mohawk. He bangs helmets with the linemen and chews tobacco. The other is happily married, has a shaving cream smile and lives in San Francisco. Who would you pick? Me, too.
BROWNS 20, OILERS 17: Educating Bernie.
RAIDERS 26, SAINTS 7: GO WITH RAIDERS. STOP. WAITRESS SAYS THEY EAT RAW MEAT. STOP.
VIKINGS 16, PACKERS 13: Green Bay. Minnesota. Biff. Bam. Boom. Urrglz. Ayee! Urf. Ouch.
GIANTS 27, BENGALS 21: What are the Giants doing playing the Bengals? The Giants never play the Bengals. What gives? Who’s in charge? Let’s have some answers here, pronto.
RAMS 28, BUCS 10: Hugh is history. So is Tampa Bay.
CHIEFS 28, CHARGERS 13: GO WITH KC. STOP. WAITRESS SAYS ALL THEY EAT IN SAN DIEGO IS SPROUTS. STOP.
CARDINALS 34, EAGLES 12: A battle of birds. Interesting. Only this time it’s the Cardinal that soars and the Eagle that sits in the little treehouse, eating seeds.
SEAHAWKS 20, FALCONS 14: Another battle of birds. What is this?
DOLPHINS 34, JETS 24: Don’t tell me Don Shula wasn’t snickering all week long over Hugh Green. His team goes from pretty awesome to mighty awesome with one phone call.
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Saints 23, Eagles 20. Saints won, 23-21.
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Lions 17, Packers 14. Packers won, 43-10.
LAST WEEK’S RECORD: 11-3. HMM. STOP. NOT TOO SHABBY, HUH? STOP.