IN NAME GAME, QBS FALL SHORT

We have a problem here.

Someone is sleeping on the job. Someone is leaving the gate unlocked. Someone is allowing the wrong men to become NFL quarterbacks.

Look. To be an NFL quarterback you must possess these things: a strong arm, a quick mind and the ability to date two girls at once.

You must also have the right name.

Turk.

Yes. Turk is a good quarterback name. I’ll take Turk. Or Bronco. Or Biff or Max or Joe. These are good names, all of them.

Gale?

Gale is not a good name.

But there is a Gale in the NFL. Gale Gilbert, starting quarterback, Seattle Seahawks.

Ugh.

Warren? This is a quarterback’s name? Warren? And Eric?

Warren and Eric? What? They go dancing afterwards?

What?

Last names. Let’s talk last names. Jones is an OK last name. Wilson is OK. Stenkowski, Cripps, Moolah, Busto, Zip. These are all good last names. I’ll take these names.

Pelluer?

What is that?

Flick?

We have a quarterback named Tom Flick now? Really? Tom Flick?

I cannot take it. This is not football. Let me out.

Tom Flick?

Goodby. I am going home. Right now. To my parents.

Buster and Bertha.

Oh, but first, the picks . . .

VIKINGS 20, LIONS 13: Do you remember it was the Lions who gave Minnesota its first defeat this year? Yeah? Minnesota remembers too.

BEARS 16, BUCS 6: Oooh. The Bears are without Jim McMahon. They are without

Walter Payton. Without Mike Singetary. But this is Tampa Bay we’re talking about.

BENGALS 28, OILERS 21: Is Larry Kinnebrew really Pete Johnson, or is he just wearing his underwear?

REDSKINS 21, PACKERS 10: The pack is backwards.

SAINTS 14, RAMS 10: Teams used to love to come to New Orleans. They’d drink, party, eat Cajun food and beat up on the Saints. Party’s over, guys.

PATRIOTS 24, COLTS 7: The Indianapolis Colts are scoring just 10 points a game. They allow six sacks a game. They have not won a game. I am glad I do not live in Indianapolis.

JETS 24, FALCONS 17: Wasn’t Atlanta the hottest team in football not too long ago? When was that?

STEELERS 20, BILLS 10: Pittsburgh vs. Buffalo? . . . hee, hee . . . come on

. . . you’re . . . nah! . . . ha, ha, ha . . . it’s a joke, right? . . .

CHIEFS 24, SEAHWAWKS 17: I told you what I think of Gale.

BRONCOS 31, CHARGERS 7: I told you what I think of Tom Flick. Come on. Is that for real?

49ERS 28, CARDINALS 10: I’m sorry. Joe Montana can’t be back this soon. It’s not him. They’re using mirrors. I’ll bet they’re using mirrors.

COWBOYS 17, RAIDERS 14: America’s Team vs. America’s Chain- gang.

GIANTS 17, EAGLES 16: I give up, Buddy. What is it you’re doing in Philadelphia?

BROWNS 34, DOLPHINS 31 (MONDAY NIGHT): Miami may be too shell-shocked this season to remember its lucky win over Cleveland in last year’s playoffs. But Cleveland remembers. Ooo, yeah. It’s very clear.

BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Steelers 28, Packers 7. Steelers won, 27-3.

WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Bears 27, Rams 10. Rams won, 20-17.

RECORD LAST WEEK: 11-3.

RECORD FOR SEASON: 92-33-1.

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