There are only 19 shopping days left until Christmas, which barely gives us time to suggest the best holiday gifts for your favorite NFL teams. Many of these items are available at your favorite department store. The others, I just made up.
NEW YORK GIANTS FANS: You can start buying all the leftover autobiographies by last season’s Super Bowl champs. No one else wants to read about a 3-8 team. No matter how much Gatorade it spills.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS FANS: Can call 011-3-423-5672. That’s Lloyd’s of London. Tell them you want to contribute to the $50 million insurance policy on Eric Dickerson’s legs. (Actually, I just made up that phone number. Won’t some lady in London be ticked off!)
DOUG FLUTIE FANS: I think you should forget the gifts this year, because you’re obviously broke from having to buy back your old house in Boston, which you sold to move to Chicago.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS FANS: Special coins featuring the faces of quarterbacks Jay Schroeder and Doug Williams. Buy these, then send them to coach Joe Gibbs and tell him to flip.
BUFFALO BILLS FANS: ARE YOU CRAZY? WHY ARE YOU BUYING GIFTS? YOU SHOULD BE SAVING YOUR MONEY SO YOU CAN MOVE OUT OF BUFFALO! WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
DETROIT LIONS FANS: A prayer book.
And now, this week’s picks. . . .
LIONS 20, RAMS 17: Just when you’re sure the Lions are flat on their faces, they do something that leaves egg on somebody else’s.
DALLAS 30, ATLANTA 17: Pelluer. Better learn how to pronounce it. How do you pronounce it?
CLEVELAND 28, INDIANAPOLIS 20: As if these cities weren’t boring enough, they’ll probably both be in the playoffs.
MINNESOTA 17, CHICAGO 14: I hear they’re importing 60,000 Twins fans for this one.
SEATTLE 20, PITTSBURGH 13: Someone should tell Mark Malone that looking like Tom Selleck isn’t enough. You have to be able to throw the ball.
CINCINNATI 34, KANSAS CITY 20: What a fascinating game.
BUFFALO 20, LA RAIDERS 17: This week, Bo Jackson decides to play defensive tackle, just as a hobby. He gets seven sacks.
WASHINGTON 24, ST. LOUIS 23: The more they talk about moving the Cardinals the better they play.
SAN DIEGO 27, HOUSTON 14: Maybe the Lions should try that.
SAN FRANCISCO 30, GREEN BAY 27: The Pack is back . . . wards.
NEW ENGLAND 21, DENVER 17: Upset? Did someone say upset?
NEW ORLEANS 28, TAMPA BAY 10: Is there anyone out there who isn’t happy for the Saints?
NY GIANTS 24, PHILADELPHIA 21: Remember, plenty of Phil McConkey autobiographies still available.
(MONDAY NIGHT) MIAMI 35, NEW YORK JETS 31: I’ve learned one thing about Don Shula, who saw his team lose, 27-0, to Buffalo last week. You don’t embarrass him twice.
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: New Orleans 20, Pittsburgh 17 (New Orleans won, 20-16).
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Houston 21, Indianapolis 14 (Indianapolis won, 51-27).
RECORD LAST WEEK: 9-3.
RECORD AGAINST THE SPREAD: 5-7.
RECORD FOR SEASON: 73-50-1.