Well, once again, movie fans, it’s Mr. Oscar here to answer your Academy Award questions.

Let me start by saying there are three things you can count on in this year’s broadcast: 1) You will not win anything. 2) You will not be nominated for anything. 3) You will fall asleep before any of the good awards are given out.

Well, I can see you’re excited already. Let’s begin, shall we?

Q. Mr. Oscar. Can you explain the basic purpose of the Academy Awards?

A. Certainly. The basic purpose of the Academy Awards is to get you to pay for a movie you otherwise wouldn’t drive across the street to see by sticking a little naked statue in the advertisement that reads, in BIG letters “ACADEMY AWARD WINNER” and, in little letters, “best sound editing by a foreign mutant in a documentary about baked goods.”

Q. How are the nominees selected? A. Easy. They are the same every year:

BEST ACTOR: One foreigner you never heard of, one guy who should have gotten the thing 20 years ago, Dustin Hoffman, anybody in a Vietnam movie, and Let’s Just Give Away This Last Nomination To Some Idiot From “Saturday Night Live” Who Doesn’t Stand A Chance And Watch Him Spend $900 On A Tuxedo HAHAHAHA.

BEST ACTRESS: Meryl Streep.

Q. What is the order of the Oscar show?

1. Boring dance number. 2. Best Lighting Award. 3. Boring Explanation of the Rules. 4. Two-hour tribute to Lassie. 5. Diet Coke commercial. 6. Cher in a jockstrap. 7. Oops, we’re out of time.

Q. What’s the difference between a Documentary Short and a Documentary Feature?

A. About an hour’s worth of sleep.

Q. Who is the Best Boy?

A. Why, you are, son.

Q. Mr. Oscar. Every year, the acceptance speeches get longer and longer. Can’t something be done?

A. Yes. This year, for the first time, the Academy has inserted a small nuclear device inside the statuette, which must be disarmed within 30 seconds or else KAPOW! Just try thanking your fifth-grade music teacher now.

Q. I am an Academy Award nominee but cannot attend Monday’s ceremonies. Who should I send in my place?

A. First of all, you are assuming you will win. HAHAHAHA. Fat chance.

However, this raises an important issue: The substitute. Most people feel it should be someone you know, like, and trust. Come off it! This is Hollywood! The substitute should be a migrant worker from Central America who

has not showered in a week and whose acceptance speech goes “DEATH TO THE CAPITALIST MOVIE EXECUTIVE! ALSO, I WANT TO THANK MY MOTHER.”

Q. Hey, Mr. Oscar. I can’t stand it when those damned foreigners win. Why don’t they get their own awards show?

A. Je ne sais pas, vous ete une fleur.

Q. What are this year’s animal awards?

A. 1. Best Performance By A Dog Who Sleeps With A Police Officer. 2. Best Performance By A Fish Not Named Wanda. 3. Best Gorilla (male). 4. Best Gorilla
(female). 5. Best Performance By Snake Not Currently Working As A Lawyer. 6. Best Aardvark.

Q. What is an Adapted Screenplay?

A. A screenplay that was loved very much by its real mommy but had to be raised by someone else who also loved it very much.

Q. Mr. Oscar, I watch your show every year. Why must these talented actors and actresses read those foolish cue cards when they present the awards?

A. Why, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Let’s replay a segment from last year’s show:

MAN: Thank you. You know, Gena, the role of Special Effects cannot be underplayed.

WOMAN: Honey, I Shrunk The Laundry.

MAN: And then he said, “Burritos? I thought this was Italian food.”

WOMAN: But seriously, folks.

Hohoho. That’s great stuff. It’s killing me.

Q. I am nominated for a major award but don’t think I will win. How should I react if the scum who does win is sitting next me?

A. That depends. If the TV camera is on you, nod quickly as if to say
“Smashing job, chap, well done.” As soon as the camera is off, pull a knife and recite the following: “You die. You dead. You history. And the guy holding your award has a social disease.”

Q. What is the Key Grip?

A. Wrap your palm over your thumb then putt the ball gently toward the hole.

Q. Is Shirley MacLaine from this planet?

A. No, I’m afraid she is not.

Q. Is it true Woody Allen never comes to the Oscars because he plays clarinet at a New York City nightclub every Monday?

A. Yes. However, the audience at that nightclub never hears him play. They are all gathered around the TV set by the bar, fast asleep, still waiting for Best Costume Design.

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