ANOTHER CRAZY DAY OF WINTER BASEBALL

A Day in The Life Of Baseball’s Winter Meetings:

7 a.m. Owners rise, call stockbrokers.

8 a.m. Players rise, call agents. 8:30 a.m. Owners meet on golf course. 9:30 a.m. Players meet on golf course. 9:45 a.m. Drinks are served. 9:45 a.m. Barry Bonds wakes up, calls banker, asks if check has cleared. 10 a.m. Owners gather for breakfast, tell their favorite jokes — “Didja hear the one about the Rabbi, the feminist and Jesse Jackson? . . . ” — then convene for their first meeting of the day. Topic: “What to do about Marge Schott?” 10:10 a.m. Meeting begins. One owner rises and says, “Marge should be punished! There’s no place in baseball for prejudice! Hell, what did we expect when we let a broad into the club?” 10:25 a.m. Another owner rises. “I think Marge should be forced to sell. Let’s get a good Jewish lawyer, and get this damn thing done.” 10:30 a.m. Another owner rises. “So OK. We dump Marge. Now. What are we gonna do about these Japs that keep trying to get into our business?” 11 a.m. Owners find Marge Schott “reprehensible” and “not in baseball’s best interests.” 11:05 a.m. Drinks are served. 11:15 a.m. Yankees GM Gene Michael, who took free agent Greg Maddux golfing Monday to try and lure him to the club, phones in from topless bar in Vegas and says, “The negotiations are going well.” 11:30 a.m. Tigers representatives wake up, roll over, go back to sleep. Noon The prospective new owners of the San Francisco Giants arrive in Mercedes limousines, insist they have “not a penny more” than what they bid for the club. 12:10 p.m. Bonds calls banker, asks if check cleared. 12:15 p.m. Marge Schott orders room service for her dogs. 12:45 p.m. Dogs, clearly dissatisfied, send room service back. 1 p.m. Andre Dawson holds press conference to officially renounce the Chicago Cubs’ final offer. “Never have I been treated so shabbily in my life,” Dawson exclaims. “Three million a year? I’m supposed to live on that? I think we see what tightwads the Cubs are. To hell with them.” 1:15 p.m. Dawson leaves, tips bellman 50 cents. 1:30 p.m. Owners back on golf course. 2 p.m. Players back on golf course. 2:15 p.m. Drinks are served. 2:30 p.m. Jesse Jackson delivers fiery speech about “Racism, and its ugly, horrifying, cancerous spirit.” Unfortunately, the only people who hear him are the bellhops. Everyone else is on the 10th tee. 3 p.m. Tigers representatives wake up, roll over, go back to sleep. 3:15 p.m. Pete Rose, convicted gambler and tax evader, broadcasts radio show from hotel lobby. 3:20 p.m. Yankees sign seven-time drug-policy offender Steve Howe to
$4.2-million contract. 3:15 p.m. Owners convene for their second meeting. Topic: “The Declining Image of Baseball.” 3:16 p.m. Drinks are served. 3:45 p.m. Barry Bonds gets phone call. Banker says “Congratulations. The check cleared.” 3:46 p.m. Bonds hangs up, buys Australia.

4:20 p.m. Toronto, filling quota of at least two stars a day, signs Wade Boggs and Ruben Sierra.

4:45 p.m. Tigers representatives wake up, shower, then phone the front desk.
“Yes, can you tell me, are there any pitchers available this year?” 5 p.m. Gene Michael phones from Hawaii to say the wooing of Maddux is going well. “What does ‘luxury cabin cruiser’ mean?” he asks. 5:30 p.m. Pittsburgh Pirates announce the signing of ex-Pirate Willie Stargell to a multiyear deal. “Never mind that he’s 51 years old, 90 pounds overweight, and hasn’t played in years” they say. “He only wanted $1.5 million a season. How can we refuse?” 6 p.m. Drinks are served.

7:30 p.m. Tigers re-sign two players that helped them to a fine 75-87 record last season. 8 p.m. Schedule is posted for tomorrow’s seminars: “Why We Don’t Need A Commissioner.” and “How We Can Lock The Players Out Next Spring.” 9 p.m. Owners gather for lavish dinner. Party kicks off with a favorite joke:
“Didja hear the one about the Latino, the black, and Gloria Steinem . . . ” 11 p.m. Owners congratulate themselves on another day of protecting the
“best interests of baseball.” 1 a.m. A voice is heard from Marge Schott’s room. “Oh, no, Schottzie! Not on the carpet! . . . “

Mitch Albom will sign his new book, “Live Albom III,” at 7 p.m. Thursday at Book Nook in Allen Park and 6 p.m. Friday at Walden Books, Saginaw.

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