Sometime today, a plane will land in Toronto, and Red Wings coach Jacques Demers will get off, along with Bob Probert, and they will take a car to a suburban office building.
They will walk into a private boardroom. Someone will take their coats. They will shake hands formally, and everyone will sit. Then, the man in charge, perhaps in a deep solemn voice, will give the long-awaited signal.
Turn on . . . the TV.
And they will watch a hockey fight.
Well, here we are, just one week from the end of the NFL season, and this is what we can say about the playoffs: Nobody’s going.
Or everybody’s going. Who can tell? With the sudden parity in the NFL, a
.500 record can be your ticket in, or your ticket home. We can anticipate a very long day next week, in which the NFL pundits try to sort through the numerous tie-breaking procedures.
But somebody will inevitably be unhappy. And what happens if, after all the analysis — division wins, points against, and toughness of schedule — there is still a tie?
Hey. I’m into participation sports, right?
So there I am, naked, alone, inside a dark, fiberglass tank, floating in water.
Floating? Yes. I am told this is the latest thing. I am told this is what the modern athlete does. Here is what I want to know: Where’s the soap?
“Flotation tanks are great for reducing stress, healing injuries, and allowing athletes to focus on performance,” says Pete Panelli, owner of Tranquil Visions, 4514 N. Woodward in Birmingham.
“Uh-huh,” I say. “They can’t accidentally lock, can they?”
I have been to many funerals in my life. I have never been to one like they had for Sam Washington on Saturday. They came from all over, white, black, old, young, basketball players who looked like prisoners in a suit and tie, kids in sneakers, little girls, mothers, fathers, coaches.
I would like to chat about the latest trends in the NFL, but I am busy hiring an NFL picks coach.
One who’s available on weekends.
In the meantime . . .
He didn’t have room for the trophy at his fraternity house. So he gave it to his Aunt Gussie. She used it as a doorstop.
“It worked really well,” recalls Jay Berwanger, 74, the first Heisman Trophy winner. “Later on, she used it as a hat rack. You know, with the arm sticking out, you could just hang your hat right on it.”
Let’s give thanks, NFL style
Filled with the spirit of this wonderful holiday weekend, we who follow the NFL should be thankful today that: Dexter Manley doesn’t have a brother who plays football.
Lions fans only have to see Anthony Carter twice a year.
Brian Bosworth plays way up in Seattle, where nobody can hear him.
The Broncos won’t make the Super Bowl, so we won’t have to be bored to death again.
Tom Landry isn’t the screaming kind.
Elvis never showed up for Jerry Glanville’s tickets.
Jamie Morris is getting a chance in Washington.
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