Skyingi Learned To Dunk; Or, Look Out, Spud
Let’s face it. We live in a world of basketball dunks. Slam it, ram it. Take it up and jam it. Only I’ve never even come close to doing one. And, most likely, neither have you. We are the dunkless. Not a slam to our names. Most of us can recall that fateful day, somewhere in high school, when we gazed at the metal rim, wondering what life must be like up there, and sadly realized we were never going to find out.
Man was not meant to feel so . . . earthbound. But that is his fate, especially if he is under 5-feet-10, as I am, and is a lousy leaper. As I am.
NO. 19 UPSETS NO. 7 YOU CAN’T GO BY NUMBERS
ANN ARBOR — Forget what was supposed to happen. Those guys who vote the college polls have never worn a Michigan uniform, never laced up Michigan State sneakers, never stood at center court with their mouths hanging open, gulping for air, sweating from sheer...
Arbitrators Could Try Pulling Salary Out Of Hat
Perhaps you noticed it too. Something remarkable. Pick up the newspaper, and under “baseball notes,” the entire section is devoted to the winners and losers of salary arbitration cases. At last count it was owners 14, players 12, Wade Boggs in the on deck circle.
Funny how things change.
1886, a Midwestern sandlot . . .
“Son. I’d like you to play for our team.”
“You guys got uniforms?”
“Yes.”
“Where do I sign?” 1926, a city playground . . .
“Hey, kid. I seen you pitch. You ain’t bad.”
“Thanks mister.”
A Glossary Without Gloss For Modern Sportspeak
Words, words. Where would we sports fans be without words? Nnnn O ggggitt, i pqqqoo EEE! That’s where we’d be.
But alas. A simple word is no longer enough. Today, nearly everything in sports is a double entendre, which is French for “I don’t get it. What are you talking about?”
For example, when I say, “He was high,” am I referring to the pitcher’s curveball, or the rest of him? You see the problem.
Thomas Can’T Raise The Dead — Unless You Count Pistons
Heal the sick, raise the dead,
Make the little girls go out of their head
— From the song “Seventh Son”
Well, Isiah Thomas can’t do all that. Can he? Raise the dead? No. Not that I know of, anyhow. True, he is a seventh son. And true, he can do almost everything else. Especially if it involves a basketball.
FIRST IN WAR, PEACE — AND THE VAULT
NEW YORK — There is a moment, at the peak of their jump, when pole vaulters are nearer to God than the rest of us. I’ve always wondered if they say anything special then. Maybe something like, “What the hell am I doing? This is high. OH, GOD! GET ME...
Some Interesting Targets For Sports-Minded Cupid
THE LIVE ALBOM (Valentine’s Day Edition)
* If I had wings and a little bow and arrow and I enjoyed wearing a diaper, I might play Cupid for the following couples on Valentine’s Day:
Jim McMahon and Andy Warhol. Refrigerator Perry and Pia Zadora. Sparky Anderson and Olive Oyl. Petr Klima and Annette Funicello. The Iron Sheik and Iron Maiden.
* And maybe Danny Ainge, Pat Sullivan and that kid from “Webster.” A menage a twerp.
* Speaking of Valentine’s Day, how about a gift from the NBA: 82 All-Star Games a year, with one regular-season game in the middle?
Would-Be Loan Officer Is Paying Off For Wings
I get around. I hear stories. I have heard of a one-legged skier and a midget baseball player. I have heard of a boxing promoter with electric hair. I have heard of The Chicken. I have never heard of a hockey player whose career almost ended because his agent died.
His agent died?
“What happened?” I ask.
“Normie was pretty old,” the player says.
“Normie,” I repeat.
I am hearing some strange things. I am hearing stories too weird to be lies. I am sitting with Jim Leavins, age 25, and he is telling me how he came to be a Detroit Red Wings defenseman.
Would-Be Loan Officer Is Paying Off For Wings
I get around. I hear stories. I have heard of a one-legged skier and a midget baseball player. I have heard of a boxing promoter with electric hair. I have heard of The Chicken. I have never heard of a hockey player whose career almost ended because his agent died.
His agent died?
“What happened?” I ask.
“Normie was pretty old,” the player says.
“Normie,” I repeat.
I am hearing some strange things. I am hearing stories too weird to be lies. I am sitting with Jim Leavins, age 25, and he is telling me how he came to be a Detroit Red Wings defenseman.
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