Personally, and I think I speak for many Americans when I say this, I would like to push Donald Trump off a bridge. But I can’t do that because 1) I have to shovel the driveway this morning, and 2) Mike Tyson is a friend of Trump’s. I don’t care how bad he looked against Buster Douglas. You take that chance. Besides, I am sure that one day soon, we will read the following story:
NEW YORK — Billionaire builder Donald Trump exploded today while promoting his new book. Scientists claim it is the first time a man’s ego simply grew too large for his body. . . .
Until that happens, however, we’re forced to make a major decision. Whose side are we on in Trump: The Divorce? Normally, I don’t get involved in marital problems. But according to USA Today and People magazine, Donald vs. Ivana is the TOP NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR, outperforming the Berlin Wall or Nelson Mandela, which both publications feel are “yicky, boring stuff that WE in THE USA don’t really care about.”
So. Donald or Ivana? Personally, I would like to push them both off a bridge. But I explained that already.
Quick. Let’s review the case.
The two met on a vacation in Aspen in 1978 when, one fateful afternoon, Donald skied up alongside the shapely, blond Ivana, leaned in close, and said:
“Get off my mountain, bimbo.”
Ivana said yes, she would marry him, and 12 years later, they filed for divorce, at which point Donald pulled out a pre-nuptial agreement and said,
“Ha ha! You signed it! Nyah nyah! Get off my plane, bimbo!”
Ivana went to the mafia for a lawyer. Divorce, American style
So whose side do you take? After all, the Trumps have amassed more than
$1.7 billion, mostly by sticking their names on very tall buildings, then tripling the rent. Poor Ivana says, “It’s not fair.” Poor Donald says, “What was your name again?”
Let’s consider the arguments:
On the one hand, Ivana did sign the pre-nuptial agreement for $25 million, a 45-room Connecticut mansion, and the kids.
On the other hand, how much are the kids worth?
On the one hand, Donald Trump is a shameless, overblown, money-grubbing, womanizing, publicity-starved egomaniac.
On the other hand, have you seen Ivana without makeup?
Donald likes Ivana to call him “The Donald.” I know Babe Ruth was often called “The Babe” and the guy on Gilligan’s Island was often called “The Skipper” but I don’t think they made their wives call them that. At least not all the time.
On the other hand, Ivana is claiming she deserves several of Trump’s ritzy hotels and office buildings because she had become “integral to their operation.” I’m no expert on construction. But I don’t think walking through the lobby in high heels makes you integral to the operation. Hype? What hype?
Now. Some people say the media has overblown this affair. Hmph. These are probably the same people who say war is bad. Just because People magazine dispatched 800 reporters to Palm Beach, Aspen, Cazamel, and the Hamptons and came back with a quote from “a Manhattan socialite” who said “ever since Ivana had the surgery . . . her face has felt uncomfortable.”
On the other hand, Ivana talks through gossip columnist Liz Smith, which explains the following New York tabloid headlines:
IVANA BE ALONE.
GIMME THE PALACE.
TAKE THAT, SCUM.
Did we mention the other woman?
Actually, Donald has been linked with every female in America except Ella Fitzgerald. Which is pretty good for a guy who still wears his hair like Dennis the Menace.
The woman getting the most attention lately is a buxom gold-digger (well, that’s what USA Today called her) named Marla Maples, whom nobody ever heard of before but who now has a full-time publicity staff and 14 movie offers. Insiders whisper that Ivana even had face, eye and breast lifts to try to look like Maples, although if her surgery ever sags, she will actually look like Bea Arthur.
So, you can see, this Donald vs. Ivana is a tough case. He wants to hang onto his yachts and planes and she can barely get her nails done for $25 million.
Personally, I think we should take away all their money, since they don’t know how to play with it without fighting. And then we offer them serious psychiatric help.
Of course, some suggest the Trumps cooked this whole thing up to boost business. In which case, the judge should deny a divorce and make them stay married forever.
After all, they deserve each other.