Thanksgiving, and the living is easy. Turkey in the oven. Relatives in the living room. And there you are, on your couch, ready to enjoy football on TV.
But one by one, your family streams into your sanctuary, wondering why you aren’t out there looking at the photos of cousin Julie’s wedding. Quick. What do you say?
Some handy responses.
(TO YOUR GREAT AUNT WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND FOOTBALL): “I’m just checking the TV for harmful radiation. Be in, in a minute.”
(TO YOUR COUSIN, HERBIE): “I’ll give you 20 bucks to tell them you can’t find me.”
(TO YOUR WIFE): “In a minute, honey.”
(TO YOUR WIFE, TWO HOURS LATER): “In a minute, honey.”
And now, this week’s picks . . .
* Lions 28, Denver 14: This time, the Broncos are turkeys.
* Washington 17, Dallas 9: If Mark Rypien gets injured, Dan Quayle is next on the depth chart.
* Miami 23, Cleveland 7: Bernie Kosar went to college in Miami. He wishes he still did.
* NY Giants 21, Philadelphia 20: The “Monday Night Football” people are delirious.
* San Francisco 20, LA Rams 10: The “Monday Night Football” people are doubly delirious.
* Green Bay 30, Tampa Bay 13: Oh boy! Oh . . . who cares?
* Chicago 28, Minnesota 10: One good week does not make Herschel Walker a smart trade. Sorry.
* New Orleans 31, Atlanta 28: Jerry Glanville leaves two tickets marked
“Turkey” at will call. Deion Sanders picks them up.
* Cincinnati 23, Indianapolis 14: Bengals’ turn to win.
* Phoenix 24, New England 17: Bet the Pats can’t wait for that Lisa Olson report to come out this week, huh?
* LA Raiders 14, Kansas City 12: At Thanksgiving dinner, Al Davis picks up the carving knife, hands it to his wife and says, “Just cut, baby.”
* Pittsburgh 21, NY Jets 14: Remember that Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial, where he tosses his jersey to a kid? No thumping music. No special effects. No sneaker shots. And it’s still the best jock commercial ever.
* San Diego 19, Seattle 10: Why? Why not?
* (Monday night) Houston 34, Buffalo 30: Oilers say: “How about a little pain with your cranberry sauce?”
* Record last week: 7-7. Record last week vs. spread: 4-10. Season record: 94-48. Season vs. spread: 72-68-2. Best pick last week: San Francisco 27, Tampa Bay 10. 49ers won, 31-7. Worst pick last week: Pittsburgh 30, Cincinnati 27. Bengals won, 27-3.