THE LIVE ALBOM

* Today is Friday the 13th. I cannot be held responsible for anything said in this column.

* The Tigers will still win it all. (See above.)
* Yes. I know. Jack Nicklaus can’t win the U.S. Open. Jack Nicklaus won’t win the U.S. Open. I am rooting for Jack Nicklaus anyway. PASS THE CHIPS: Weirdest scene of the week came Wednesday, when Tigers pitcher Dan Petry returned from elbow surgery with his bone chips in a plastic jar.
“Whatcha got there, Dan?” said Sparky Anderson. Soon the chips, which resembled Tic-Tacs, were being passed around and squeezed. Finally, Petry got them back, closed the lid and went to hide them somewhere safe. Just another day at the ballpark.
* Jack Morris will win his next 10. (See above.) HEAVYWEIGHT FIGHTS WE’D LIKE TO SEE
* Happy Father’s Day to Chuck Daly, Sparky Anderson, Darryl Rogers and Brad Park, who had to be patient with several little boys this year — most of whom get paid more than they do.
* Yes, for those who called, that’s me you hear on WLLZ’s (FM 98.7) “J. J. & The Morning Crew” show. We have a deal. They let me talk about sports twice each morning (7:20 & 8:20) and I teach The Bruiser how to speak without drooling.
* Who invented soap-on-a-rope, and why?
* Roy Tarpley is not the answer for the Pistons.
* Thanks anyway to the Beatles fan who suggests I call this column “The White Albom” then leave it completely blank. I ran the idea by my boss. He said he was a Sinatra fan.
* After the NBA Finals, everyone knows Boston’s Kevin McHale. But few know his younger brother, Tattoo McHale, who plays semi- pro ball on an island in the Pacific. Says Kevin: “We don’t talk much. All he says is ‘dee plane, dee plane.’ ”
* Wonder what Jack Nicholson did the last two weeks during the Celtics-Rockets series?
* I don’t know whRRRRRRRRRy but I think tRRRRRRRRRRhe Grand PrRRRRRRRRRix is cominRRRRRRRRRRRRRg up . . . WHY YOU CAN’T TRUST SPORTS WRITERS, NO. 1: At the start of the season, the knock on the Boston Red Sox was “No pitching.” WHY YOU CAN’T TRUST SPORTS WRITERS, NO. 2: At the start of the season, Cincinnati was favored to win the NL West.
* Every time the World Cup comes around, people wonder why soccer never took off in America. Well, a columnist I know explained it quite simply: Soccer has too many players named Trevor and not enough named Bubba.
* The next Red Wings coach will lead the team to the Stanley Cup. (See above).
* Darnell Coles is so young and bubbly, he should live in Disneyland.
* They unveiled the new America’s Cup yacht R1 Wednesday, but only the top half. That’s funny. Athletes will do interviews naked in the clubhouse, but you can only see a boat from the waist up?
* I’m told some of my columns hang in the bathroom of the Dearborn Tavern. Untouched, I think.
* It’s been set. Livingstone Bramble’s life story will soon be a movie starring Whoopi Goldberg. She’s the one on the left. No. Wait . . . CUTLINE: Joaquin Andujar Ralph Sampson K. McHale T. McHale Whoopee! . . . it’s . . . Whoopi?

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