It’s that time of year again. Time for me to study and analyze and make intelligent NFL selections, and for you to laugh your head off.
Once again, I caution all of you not to put any real money on any of these selections. This will keep you from writing me those nasty letters I get every December from people who are selling their houses, thanks to my prognostications.
Which is not to say I won’t get them all right. It has been known to happen. Not in this lifetime or anything.
And now, this week’s picks . . .
* LIONS 28, TAMPA BAY 20: Maybe they’re not as good as we think. Maybe that 4-0 preseason is misleading. Maybe they don’t have a tough defense or an All-Star receiver or any depth in case of injuries. Then again, this is Tampa Bay we’re talking about it.
* KANSAS CITY 20, MINNESOTA 19: The Vikes are back — with all the same problems. And Jerry Burns still looks like Burgess Meredith.
* LA RAMS 24, GREEN BAY 17: Don Majkowski refuses to take the field until the Packers deliver that suitcase full of money, small bills, nothing bigger than
* WASHINGTON 21, PHOENIX 3: Joe Bugel used to work for Joe Gibbs. Now we see who is the real genius.
* CHICAGO 19, SEATTLE 17: Will Jim Harbaugh make it as starting quarterback? Will Mike Singletary’s eyes pop out of his head?
* DENVER 20, LA RAIDERS 16: Unfortunately, only 17 fans show up to watch, because everyone thought the Raiders had moved to Oakland.
* ATLANTA 13, HOUSTON 10: Jerry Glanville isn’t leaving any tickets for his old team at the Falcons’ box office. He’s not leaving any for Elvis, either.
* BUFFALO 30, INDIANAPOLIS 14: Think of all the money the Colts will save if they never sign Eric Dickerson. Why, it should be enough to buy at least four wins, right?
* CINCINNATI 28, NY JETS 10: I just came from New York, where they’re actually talking about how the Jets could be a good team this year. Fortunately, I never believe anything a New Yorker says.
* NEW ENGLAND 21, MIAMI 20: After the game, Miami announces that it has upped Cleveland’s offer and will now give Hot Rod Williams $35 million for five years — if he can play defensive back.
* CLEVELAND 14, PITTSBURGH 13: Now let me get this straight: Is it Bubby Brister, or Bubbly Blister, or Brubby Bruster? I mean, I always get this wrong.
* SAN DIEGO 29, DALLAS 24: They have Troy Aikman. They have Alonzo Highsmith. They have Emmitt Smith. They still stink.
* NY GIANTS 20, PHILADELPHIA 19: Lawrence Taylor refuses to go out until the Giants deliver that suitcase full of money to his locker, small bills only, nothing bigger than a $10,000.
* SAN FRANCISCO 23, NEW ORLEANS 16 (Monday night): Wait a minute. Isn’t this where we left off last season . . . ?