Dr. Football has advice for Michigan, Suh

The news is out. The doctor is in. Questions?

So you’re really going to do this Dr. Football thing every Friday? I honestly thought you were kidding!

Thanks for the pep talk, boss.

Hey, Dr. Football. I’m a Spartans fan. After Ohio State trashed us, is there anything left to root for?

That Urban Meyer gets a better offer.

What about a major bowl?

Once you explain what “major” means, now that we have a playoff system, then, sure, go for it.

Dear Dr. Football. Did you read the remarks made by Michigan president Mark Schlissel?

That, to paraphrase Claude Rains in “Casablanca,” he was shocked — shocked! — to learn that all college football players are not rocket scientists! Yes.

What do you think?

Well, since he has a doctorate in physiological chemistry and I put the word “Doctor” in front of my name, we are, in the public view, equals. So as one doctor to another, I offer this prescription: Schlissel, get a grip.

Were his comments about football players offensive to Brady Hoke?

Absolutely.

Should he have apologized for his offense?

Only after Brady apologizes for his.

Hey, Dr. Football. How about five touchdowns for Peyton Manning last week? Is he amazing or what?

Yes, Peyton. Thanks for the question.

The duel in the desert

Dear Dr. Football. Do the Lions have any chance of beating the mighty Cardinals of Arizona?

Wait. I just threw up in my mouth.

You don’t think Arizona is Super Bowl bound?

Oh, I do. I think the Super Bowl will be in Arizona for sure.

That’s a bold prediction!

Not really. It’s on the schedule.

But, Dr. Football. Arizona is 8-1!

San Diego was 5-1. Now it’s 5-4. And its quarterback is still standing.

Speaking of quarterbacks, what do you make of Michael Vick being the first quarterback to rush for 6,000 yards?

He needs better receivers.

Good point, Dr. Football! The NFL is not about having fast feet, it’s about having an amazing arm and the ability to change the play eight times at the line of scrimmage.

Knock it off, Peyton.

Hey, Dr. Football. What do you think of Matthew Stafford’s sidearm delivery?

It worked pretty well for Satchel Paige, Don Drysdale and Randy Johnson.

But those guys threw strikes.

Doesn’t Stafford?

How great is it to have Calvin Johnson back?

Like Christmas in November. And based on all the shopping commercials I’m seeing, Christmas now is in November.

When Suh plays like he did Sunday, is there a word for that?

N-dom-inant.

Is there another word?

Free agent-to-be.

Is Reggie Bush still on the Lions?

Rumor has it.

Money and academics

Say, Dr. Football. What does the Cowboys’ Dez Bryant mean when he says his contract talk is “not about the money.”

It’s about the money.

And when he says, “It’s about respect”?

It’s about the money.

And when he —

It’s about the money.

You don’t know what I was asking.

Did it concern Dez Bryant?

Yes.

It’s about the money.

Dear Dr. Football. Did you see where Florida State postponed Jameis Winston’s hearing on a sexual-assault accusation until Dec. 1?

Let me guess. That’s just after they finish the regular season?

How did you know?

I’m a doctor.

What do you make of Louisville football coach Bobby Petrino, who has been there less than a year, getting a $500,000 bonus for his players essentially averaging good enough grades to stay eligible?

I think Schlissel just fainted.

Really?

Somebody get the doctorate a doctor!

Hey, Dr. Football. Were you surprised to hear Tom Brady say, when asked about Colts QB Andrew Luck, “He does a lot of things I wish I could do.”

I presume he doesn’t mean the beard.

Did you see where quarterbacks Ryan Mallett (Texans) and Brian Hoyer (Browns) will face each other this weekend? Isn’t that like watching Michigan-Michigan State?

Only if it’s a blowout by halftime.

Does Cam Newton need a new nickname?

How’s Humpty Dumpty?

He’s so overrated! Just like Tom Br—

Calm down, Peyton.

Hey, Dr. Football. What are the chances a Big Ten team gets into this year’s College Football Playoff?

What are the chances they find a fifth Beatle?

To send a question for Dr. Football next week, contact Mitch Albom: malbom@freepress.com. Check out the latest updates with his charities, books and events at MitchAlbom.com. Catch “The Mitch Albom Show” 5-7 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760). Follow him on Twitter @mitchalbom.

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