Dr. Football, on Cutler, Harbaugh, more

Dashing through the snow, laughing all the way. The office is open. Dr. Football at your service.

Doc! Did you hear the news? Jay Cutler is sitting!

BULL! Oh. Wait. I thought you said “smiling.”

Sitting! He’s benched for the Detroit game this Sunday!

Why are the Bears being so nice to him?

Jimmy Clausen is starting.

Why are they being so nice to us?

Honestly, Doc. Did you know Jimmy Clausen was still in the NFL?

I didn’t know he was still in the country.

Is he dangerous? He started for Notre Dame.

So did Ron Powlus.

Yo, Doc. Speaking of the Bears, did you see that statement by their safety, Chris Conte?

Where he said he’d rather die 10 or 15 years younger than live a long life but not play in the NFL?

Yeah. What did you think?

Stunning.

That he said it?

That he said it playing for Chicago.

Hey, Dr. Football. I just want to say, for the record, this is gonna be my week.

OK, Reggie. We’ll file that with last week.

Yo, Doc. If the Lions win this weekend and clinch the playoffs, is there gonna be, like, a Detroit party?

No, because there ain’t no party like a Detroit party.

Dear Dr. Football, I have an important question. What is the state income tax in Michigan?

Well, hello, Jim Harbaugh.

Decision should be easy

Uh, wait a sec. I didn’t say it was me.

You didn’t have to, Jim. Who else is “me”? Now listen up. If Michigan really offered you $48 million for six years — which is nearly twice what the 49ers are paying you and is about $1 million more a year than Nick Saban gets in Alabama — we have only one question?

Which is?

What part of “Hail to the Victors” don’t you get?

I don’t know. It’s tempting.

Cheesecake is tempting. This is a no-brainer. Honestly, you’d rather be coaching the Oakland Raiders? Don’t you think that job will be available in the future? As in, every year in the future?

Hey, Dr. Football. Don’t beg the guy. If he doesn’t want the gig, leave him alone.

All right, Les. I will.

Hey, Dr. Football. What did you think about Oregon’s Marcus Mariota winning the Heisman?

I’m just glad someone got to see him in Eastern Standard Time.

Did he deserve it?

I can’t say. I go to bed early.

Dear Dr. Football. What are the schools like these days in Michigan?

Is that you again, Harbaugh?

Why would you say that?

Wild guess. As long as we have you, are you willing to say, right here, on the record, that you’ll accept the Michigan head coaching position?

My policy is I only talk about the job I have.

So? Say yes, and you’ll have it.

Who needs a Realtor?

Excuse me, Dr. Football. Don’t you think it’s time the Browns went back to Brian Hoyer as quarterback?

Aw, Johnny Manziel. Don’t give up.

I really stunk.

It wasn’t so bad.

Honestly?

I lied. It was terrible. You couldn’t have had a worse start if you opened a Seth Rogen store in Pyongyang.

Hey, Dr. Football. Do you think it’s fair that a losing team from the NFC South could go to the playoffs while the Lions, with a better record, might not?

Well, don’t the Lions have to thank the NFC South for that better record? They beat three of the four.

So you think it’s fair?

Heck no. I was just being rational.

Hey, Dr. Football. Sorry to bother you. But what’s a fair price for a house in Ann Arbor?

I’m not talking to you anymore, Harbaugh, until you make up your mind!

It’s Brady. Harbaugh just called me.

Oh.

To send a question for Dr. Football next week, contact Mitch Albom: malbom@freepress.com. Check out the latest updates with his charities, books and events at MitchAlbom.com.

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