The eggnog is gone. The cookies have crumbled. The holiday hangover is in full bloom. And Dr. Football is here to make it better.
Hey, Dr. Football. So what did you get for Christmas?
Let’s see. The Lions are in. The Eagles are out. Johnny Manziel has been humbled. I’d say I pretty much got everything I wanted — except one of those big TV screens Aaron Rodgers gave to his offensive linemen.
Yeah. Why did he do that?
To make sure Ndamukong Suh doesn’t touch him this weekend.
Speaking of the The Big Game, Doc, what are the Lions’ chances of success at Lambeau Field?
They’ll succeed in getting there.
Where?
To Lambeau Field.
But what about the game?
Well, let’s see. Their starting center is out. Matthew Stafford already has too little time to throw. It’s going to be freezing, their ground game is unpredictable — and, oh, the Packers are playing much better than Detroit right now. So, I’d say it’s 50-50.
Hey, Doc! Watch me hop! Whoops!
Hello, Dominic Raiola.
Silly me. So clumsy. Whoops! Slipped again.
Give it up, Dom. They didn’t buy it.
Buy what? Is that a banana pe—whoops!
Next question.
Here’s one intense man
Hey, Doc. What’s the car insurance rates in Ann Arbor?
Happy New Year, Jim Harbaugh.
I didn’t say it was me.
Look me in the eyes and try to blink. … Yeah, it’s you. Made up your mind yet?
I’m so torn, Doc! On the one hand, there’s Michigan, my alma mater, where I’d be guaranteed close to $50 million, people love me, I can turn around a struggling program and achieve huge success in a suddenly playoff-friendly college football environment.
And on the other hand?
I really want to stick it to the 49ers.
That’s not a good reason.
Why not? What do you know? How would you know? Do you know something I don’t know? Who told you? Let’s hear it! Right now!
Wow. So you really are intense.
GIVE ME A BOARD I CAN CHOP IN HALF!
Moving on …
Hey, Doc. If Harbaugh doesn’t go, I wouldn’t mind returning to college.
Sorry, Manziel. It doesn’t work that way.
But I’m changed. Didn’t you see where I said I “grew up” a lot this year. I admitted I didn’t take things seriously enough last off-season?
Yes, I saw that.
Aren’t you impressed with my maturity?
Only if you give this year’s money back.
Hey, Doctor Football. Can I get cleared to come back for 2015?
I didn’t attend medical school, Peyton.
But you’re a doctor.
OK, here’s my prescription. A running back that doesn’t get hurt. A healthy Wes Welker. And a helmet that doesn’t leave that red mark in your forehead.
Thanks, Doc! Yo, Papa John! I’m BAACK!
Here’s a troubled line
Dr. Football, can we return to the Lions. I am worried about Stafford not hitting open receivers.
Check the tape. Most of the time they’re open, he’s swamped.
Are you saying the O-line is the problem?
I’m not saying it. I’m watching it. Stafford is more smothered than the inside of a Snickers.
In that case, how do the Lions protect Stafford this weekend with Raiola suspended?
Use the long snapper.
Hey, Doc. Will Rex Ryan be back in N.Y.?
To do what? More of the same?
He’s made great strides in losing weight.
I think he’s trying to hide.
Dr. Football, who’s a Super Bowl team that nobody is talking about?
How about Pittsburgh? The Steelers can run. Pass. Block. They’re 7-2 in the last nine games. And everybody is talking about New England and Denver.
Hey, Dr. Football. How you like me now?
Is that you, Glover Quin?
PRO BOWLER Glover Quin.
Yes, but still you have never intercepted Rodgers in your career. Do that Sunday, and we’ll pin a new medal on you.
What kind of medal?
The same one Don Quixote wore.
Who’s he play for?
Never mind.
To send a question for Dr. Football next week, contact Mitch Albom: malbom@freepress.com. Check out the latest updates with his charities, books and events at MitchAlbom.com. Catch “The Mitch Albom Show” 5-7 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760).
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