Dr. Football Tackles the Latest Hot Topics

by | Oct 31, 2014 | Detroit Free Press, Sports | 0 comments

This week, we address the Lions, Brady Hoke, Nick Saban, Jameis Winston and more.

Good morning. It’s Dr. Football here to answer your pigskin questions. I will hold office hours each week, right here in this rent-free space. First question?

Why are you called “Dr. Football?”

“Johnny Football” was taken.

Why are you starting this midway through the season?

It’s a halftime adjustment. Also, I just thought of it.

Dr. Football, is it true that you can beat a football team by throwing a stake into its field?

Excellent question. No. That is not true, as Michigan discovered last week in East Lansing. However, with a stake in the ground, you can begin to pitch a tent, which is where some U-M folks may soon find themselves sleeping.

Is Devin Gardner the answer?

Depends. What is the question?

Will Brady Hoke still be coach next year?

He’ll be A coach.

Hey. Why did the Lions play in London?

Hey. It was on the schedule.

But why London?

The NFL is envious of the NBA, which has lots more fans in Europe. The NBA is envious of the NFL, which has lots more fans in America. MLB is envious of the NFL, but not the NBA. And the NHL is just … well.

Well what?

We’re not here to talk hockey.

Dear, Dr. Football: The scoreboard guy puts up the worst images. And the crowd sometimes cheers at the wrong time. Also, wouldn’t the game be better if defenses had to stay in their formations once the ball was snapped? (Signed) A concerned fan.

Knock it off, Peyton.

Dr. Football, this column reminds me of “The Huddle,” which you used to do 20 years ago.

That’s right. The spirit is the same.

But back then, you had a huge cast, and now you are just one doctor. What happened?


Can we talk about the Lions?

It’s a free country.

Are they really as good as their 6-2 record?

Bill Parcells once declared, “You are what your record says you are.” Of course, if this is true, then Simon and Garfunkel are a rock, John Lennon is a walrus, and Neil Diamond is an “I said.”

Say, Dr. Football, were you impressed by how the Lions deliberately committed that delay-of-game penalty Sunday, so Matt Prater could get his leg warmed up and kick the game-winner?

Nice try, Coach Caldwell.


Will Calvin Johnson ever stop getting hurt?

Yes. Once people stop hitting him.

Dr. Football, what do you think of this new committee that is deciding the college football rankings?

Let’s see. It placed three SEC teams in its top four. Yep. That should put an end to any controversy.

As a Doctor of Football, why are you not on that committee?

To paraphrase Groucho Marx, I would never join any committee that would have someone like me as a member. Also, I’m busy on Mondays.

Dr. Football, this really bothers me. How can Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle steal underwear from a department store and, two weeks later, get an endorsement deal with an underwear company?

What else would a thief endorse if not something you keep hidden under your pants?

Dr. Football, does it seem right that Nick Saban — who makes $7 million a year coaching Alabama — is having his $3 million house paid off by boosters?

Just make sure his players don’t take a free hamburger from those boosters. We don’t want money corrupting college football.

Dr. Football, we hear student seats at Michigan will be $185 next year. Is that a fair price for U-M football?

If that’s what the university will pay each student to show up, yes.

Back to the Lions. Is it justice that Nick Fairley has to miss four games because his teammate fell on him?

If he wants justice, he can always Suh.

What are the odds that Jameis Winston wins the Heisman?

What are the odds he aces his calculus exam?

Is Cam Newton really Superman?

No, Cam.

Thank you, Dr. Football. This has been fun and informative.

You’re welcome, Dad.

Will you be back next week?

As long as they don’t raise the rent.

To send a question for Dr. Football next week, contact Mitch Albom: malbom@freepress.com. To read his recent columns, go to freep.com/sports/mitch-albom.


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Mitch Albom writes about running an orphanage in impoverished Port-au-Prince, Haiti, his kids, their hardships, laughs and challenges, and the life lessons he’s learned there every day.

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