NEWS ITEM — For the first time in history, NBA players will compete for the U.S. Olympic basketball team. This week, Sports Illustrated printed a
“projected” Olympic starting five on its cover — Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley and Karl Malone. While all of them are multi- millionaires, none will be paid for the Olympic experience. They say they can adjust. . . .
Barcelona 1992
GUIDE: “Buenos dias, gentlemen, and welcome to the Olympic Village. My name is Emilio. I am your guide. And these are your rooms.”
EWING: “Whoa. You mean our closets.”
GUIDE: “I beg your pardon?”
EWING: “These are the closets, right?”
GUIDE: “Uh . . . no sir. These are the rooms. Each Olympic athlete gets the same accommodations. See the desk and the lamp and the the two beds?”
MAGIC: “I only need one bed.”
GUIDE: “Two athletes per room.”
BARKLEY: “WHAT?”
JORDAN: “Relax, Charles. Look, man. We’re tired from the trip, OK? We had to fly commercial. Let’s just turn on ESPN and chill out.”
MAGIC: “I wanna watch Sportscenter.”
MALONE: “Hey, where’s the TV?”
GUIDE: “No TV in village rooms, sir. But we have a splendid TV in the lounge at the end of the hall.”
BARKLEY: “THE WHAT?”
JORDAN: “Relax, Charles. Look, we–“
THUMP! BRR-THUMP! CRASH!
MALONE: “What’s that noise?”
GUIDE: “Those are your neighbors, the Yugoslavian wrestlers. I suppose they are — THUMP! — practicing.”
EWING: “How am I gonna sleep with that?”
GUIDE: “Do not worry, sir, there–“
Bump-dump . . . bump-dump-bump . . .
MAGIC: “What’s that?”
GUIDE: “Those are your other neighbors, the Romanian gymnasts. Tumblers, I think. Do not worry. They will stop by 10 p.m. That’s when we have the silence curfew in the village.”
BARKLEY: “THE WHAT?”
JORDAN: “Relax, Charles. Look, there’s obviously been some mix-up. Let’s just call down to the front desk and get the rooms switched, OK?”
EWING: “Yeah, and then I’m calling my agent. No way this stuff is in my contract.”
MALONE: “Mine, either.”
MAGIC: “Let’s send out for pizza.”
JORDAN: “Emilio . . . where’s the phone?”
GUIDE: “At the end of the hall, sir.”
BARKLEY: “THE END OF THE WHAT?”
JORDAN: “Uh, listen, Emilio. I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but . .
. I’ll give you a dozen pairs of my shoes if you get us a nicer place, OK?”
MAGIC: “And front-row seats to the Janet Jackson concert I’m promoting.”
EWING: “I’ll give you a car! Two cars!”
MALONE: “My condo in Utah!”
GUIDE: “Please, sirs. I cannot accept anything. Like I said, all Olympians are treated equally, in the spirit of amateur competition. Why don’t you relax, have some food?”
JORDAN: “OK. Where’s the mini-bar?”
GUIDE: “I beg your pardon?”
MALONE: “No mini-bar?”
EWING: “How about the room-service menu?”
GUIDE: “All athletes eat in the cafeteria.”
BARKLEY: “THE WHAT?”
MAGIC: “You mean like trays, and silverware, and big scoops of mashed potatoes?”
GUIDE: “Precisely.”
EWING: “That’s it. I quit. Where’s Chuck Daly?”
MALONE: “He’s downstairs, filming his TV show.”
MAGIC: “But the Opening Ceremony is in three hours.”
JORDAN: “Hey, Emilio, how much appearance money do we get for that?”
GUIDE: “The Opening Ceremony? No money, sir. You march the around stadium with your flag.”
MALONE: “You mean, like . . . for free?”
BARKLEY: “FOR WHAT?”
JORDAN: “And how do we get there?”
GUIDE: “By bus, with the other athletes.”
MAGIC: “I think I got a hamstring pull.”
EWING: “Bone spur in my foot.”
MALONE: “Head cold.”
JORDAN: “Look, Emilio. We got no TV, no phone, no room service, we gotta ride buses, march for free, hang out with people from Afghanistan, and Greece and Brazil. I mean, what do you call that?”
GUIDE: “The Olympic experience, sir.”
BARKLEY: “WE CALL IT THE CBA!”
EWING: “How long till we go home?”
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