The first of several presidential debates will be tonight in St. Louis. George Bush, Bill Clinton and Ross Perot are promising to concentrate on the issues.
. . .
MODERATOR: Welcome to the presidential debates. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves.
CLINTON: Hello, George.
BUSH: Hello, Comrade.
PEROT: Be nice, boys, or I’ll fire ya.
MODERATOR: Ahem. Now then. Let’s begin with a question on the economy. Gentlemen, what is wrong with the U.S. economy and what will you do about it if elected president?
BUSH: Thank you for asking that insightful question. And let me say this: The U.S. is a strong nation and we will be strong again. I believe it. I know it in my heart. Thank you.
MODERATOR: Is that your answer?
BUSH: Also, vote for me, I served in a war. Unlike some of us here.
CLINTON: There you go again.
BUSH: Stop stealing my old boss’s lines.
MODERATOR: Mr. Clinton?
CLINTON: The economy is a mess. This country is going broke. Nobody is working.
MODERATOR: And your solutions?
CLINTON: I brought a comprehensive plan. As you can see, it’s very thick and has a lot of small print, so you know it’s good. If we implement it, we can get America back to where IT SHOULD BE! THANK YOU!
MODERATOR: What does the plan say?
CLINTON: I, uh, haven’t read it yet.
PEROT: Can I git a word in here?
MODERATOR: Mr. Perot?
PEROT: Both of these boys are a joke, see? You can’t make money unless you save money, and you can’t save money unless you spend money, and believe me, I know how to make it and I know how to spend it. I did it, I can do it again. Thank ya.
MODERATOR: That’s your answer?
PEROT: Now there you go with that negative media crap again. You people are the lowest kind of slime and if I could fire ya I would — right after I gave ya a drug test which I figure you’d flunk. Next question.
MODERATOR: All right. Gentlemen, where do you stand on foreign policy?
BUSH: Maybe we should start with Mr. Clinton, since he spent some time on foreign soil . . . IN RUSSIA! NYET, COMRADE?
CLINTON: I was a student! I was trying to meet girls, for pete’s sake!
PEROT: There ya have it. You boys can’t keep your missiles in your trousers.
BUSH: Shut up, Ross! . . . Uh, to answer the question. My foreign policy is a matter of record. The Berlin Wall came down, Russia died, and I did it all. Me. George Bush.
CLINTON: What a crock!
MODERATOR: Your policy, Mr. Perot?
PEROT: Simple. If they owe us money, we squeeze ’em till we git it. If they don’t owe us money, screw ’em. Unless they got all.
PEROT: All. Comes outta the ground.
PEROT: You obviously ain’t from Texas.
MODERATOR: Uh, moving right along. A lot has been made about the past in this campaign. Do you really feel things you did years ago affect how you will run the country?
BUSH: Not at all, unless . . . you dodged the draft and went to Russia!
CLINTON: Not at all, unless . . . you sold arms to Iran and gave money to Contra rebels!
PEROT: Not at all. Period. The only thing more boring than the past is jogging.
BUSH, CLINTON: WHAT’S WRONG WITH JOGGING?
PEROT: Pansy sport.
MODERATOR: Gentlemen, please!
BUSH: Look, Perot. Why are you even here? You don’t stand a chance.
CLINTON: Leave him alone.
BUSH: Ooh, thank you, Mr. Hair Dye.
PEROT: At least he has hair.
CLINTON: Why don’t you go home to your wife, George — or is she your grandmother?
PEROT: Good one!
BUSH: Does the name Gennifer Flowers mean anything to you?
MODERATOR: Gentlemen, please! We have time for one closing statement.
BUSH: People of America, no one feels your pain and suffering more than I do —
CLINTON: From Kennebunkport?
BUSH: — so vote for me, because you can trust me. I don’t cheat on my wife, or run from the draft like a Commie-loving chicken.
CLINTON: People of America, no one feels your pain and suffering more than I do —
BUSH: From the public dole you’ve been on your whole life?
CLINTON: — so vote for me, because we can’t take four more years of this blowhard.
PEROT: People of America . . . I quit.
PEROT: Naw, jus’ kiddin’. I’m back.
MODERATOR: Well, that ends our debate. Don’t forget to vote for the candidate of your choice. If you can find one. Good night.