OK. This week I’ve got a great new theory on how to pick winners. Big stuff. Really. Read this and you’ll be making hundreds of dollars every Sunday. I guarantee it.
Now the . . . oh, I should explain that I am writing this from the press box of the Michigan-Ohio State game in Columbus, Ohio. No problem. I can do two things at once.
All right. Now the first thing you do in this new system is get a list of–
DID YOU SEE THAT?
Sorry. Big play there. Now then, you get a list of the games and take the point spreads and–
LOOK! LOOK! HE’S OPEN! HE’S—
Uh, sorry. The spreads, right? We were talking about the spreads? Yeah. OK. You take the spreads and add the—
HOLDING! HE WAS HELD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU KIDDING ME, OR WHAT!
Where were we?
We were . . .
WHAT? WHAT? A TOUCHDOWN? ANOTHER TOUCHDOWN? COME ON! WHAT THE HECK iS GOING ON HERE? ARRRP! GRZZLYP! AYEEE! . . .
Maybe we better wait until next week.
And now, the picks . . .
LIONS 13, BUCS 11: Joe Ferguson starts. Chuck Longs waits. The Lions play a lousy team on the road. Wait a minute. I’ve seen this game before. Last week. Yes. I know what’s going to happen.
DENVER 21, GIANTS 20: John Elway is a better quarterback than Phil Simms. And he has bigger teeth.
COWBOYS 23, REDSKINS 14: Washington is just waking up from that Monday Night Football game that ended, what, Friday afternoon?
49ERS 31, FALCONS 9: San Francisco is just waking up from that Monday night game, too. Atlanta, however, has been asleep for the last month.
VIKINGS 31, BENGALS 20: Sorry. No teams from Ohio get to win today. None.
BROWNS 20, STEELERS 10: Oh, all right. We’ll make an exception for Cleveland. Living there is punishment enough.
OILERS 28, COLTS 10: Why bother?
BEARS 28, PACKERS 12: Jim McMahon returns. “Great,” Green Bay sighs.
“That’s just great.”
CHIEFS 28, CARDINALS 10: How much do you think teams look forward to going to St. Louis these days?
RAMS 21, SAINTS 13: You can’t go from Cajun food to granola without some side effects.
RAIDERS 37, CHARGERS 31: I see an overtime game here. Just a hunch.
PATRIOTS 30, BILLS 9: No Hail Mary passes this time for New England. Buffalo, however, says a few Hail Marys, before taking the field.
SEAHAWKS 17, EAGLES 14: Buddy Ryan didn’t like losing last week in Philly. Wait’ll he flies 3,000 miles for the same result.
JETS 38, DOLPHINS 27 (MONDAY NIGHT): I know what you say. You say, “Upset! Upset!” Here is what I say. I say Miami is 5-6 and the Jets are 10-1. I say there is a reason for that.
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Dolphins 28, Bills 24. The Dolphins won, 34-24.
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: 49ers 21, Redskins 13. The Redskins won, 14-6.
RECORD LAST WEEK: 11-3.
RECORD FOR SEASON: 113-40-1.