THE LIVE ALBOM:
* Now that soccer has gotten rid of Leonardo, I have only one question: When does it boot Michelangelo, Donatello and the other Ninja Turtles?
* I have watched most of the World Cup, and have reached this conclusion: We will never win as long we have last names.
* From now on, it’s Mitcherio.
* Speaking of soccer, I may not know what Alexi Lalas has planned for the short term, but I’ll predict his long-range future:
* I guess baseball really taught Darryl Strawberry a lesson, huh?
* After bombing in LA, disappearing and blowing a drug test, his punishment is a multimillion-dollar settlement with the Dodgers and a new contract with the Giants. Boy, I bet Darryl never tries anything stupid again.
* Why does baseball’s drug policy remind me of an “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign in a bathroom?
* Ken Griffey Jr. goes a few days without a homer, and a thousand microphones are in his face. This is why Roger Maris’ record is safe.
* Speaking of baseball, now that Ryne Sandberg has retired, he’s looking to tour again with his sister Marie, under his stage name, Donny Osmond.
* I read that Leroy Burrell celebrated his world record in the 100 meters by eating Fig Newtons.
* So I guess being Fastest Man in the World ain’t what it used to be.
* People keep asking me for a word on the O.J. Simpson hearings. OK. Here’s my word: ENOUGH!
* POP QUIZ: Which of the following is NOT an Official World Cup Hairstyle?
* You know my favorite part of soccer? That little clock in the corner of the TV screen, under the Snickers bar. No matter what happens — arguments, injuries — that baby keeps ticking. Ninety minutes, and we’re outta here!
* If baseball had one of those, half its problems would be solved.
* Let me get this straight. It’s the middle of the summer, we’re dying from heat, and the Canadian Football League has teams playing in Las Vegas and Shreveport, La.
* Are any players still standing?
* Speaking of that, a salute, right here, to Michael (Just Trying To Break
.200) Jordan. He’s still standing. Besides, anyone who can work, all summer, in towns where the best restaurant is the Waffle House has my admiration.
* Did I see a “Grant Hill Is God” sign hanging outside the Palace?
* Question for that man who put out those sleazy O.J. Simpson trading cards, then said the famous line: “Someone was gonna do it if I didn’t.”
* What if we all just didn’t?
* OK. One more soccer item. We’re very proud of U.S. coach Bora Milutinovic, even if we can’t pronounce his name. But Bora. This is 1994. We no longer tell the barber: “Make me look like Pete in the ‘Mod Squad.’ ”