Lights! Camera! Questions!
That’s right. Once again, Mr. Oscar Man will take time from his busy schedule of checking the hemlines of this year’s Best Actress nominees to answer your most frequent inquiries about Monday Academy Awards.
Hurry. I think I just saw Kate Winslet.
Q. What is the order of this year’s show?
A. That’s easy. The order will follow tradition: 1) Musical number with Billy Crystal. 2) Best Supporting Actor. 3) Everyone goes out for dinner. 4) Best Picture.
Q. Has Cuba Gooding finished his acceptance speech from last year?
A. Almost. He’s thanking his grandmother’s next-door neighbor’s dog.
Q. Why is Leonardo DiCaprio not attending the Oscars?
A. That’s an awfully insensitive question. He froze in the water, remember?
Q. I’ve always wondered where the actresses buy those low-cut dresses.
A. Comes free when you buy the breasts.
Q. What exactly is Best Art Direction?
A. The guy who yells, “Paint faster! Paint with more emotion!”
Q. Who is the Best Boy?
A. Why, you are, my son.
Q. With all the nominations for “Titanic,” shouldn’t someone have nominated the boat?
A. Yes. And I hear it was really broken up.
Q. Who writes those awful jokes for the presenters?
A. Whoever wrote that last answer.
Q. Why do they keep using Billy Crystal?
A. Crystal has a special deal. He agrees to host the Oscars, and they let him make another movie that only he and his Uncle Sid find funny.
Q. I heard the academy has very strict criteria for Best Song.
A. Yes. It must be sung by Celine Dion.
Q. Is anyone going to thank the Dalai Lama this year?
A. Not after “Kundun” grossed $14.
Q: Kim Basinger is nominated for Best Supporting Actress this year. Does she have a prayer?
A. Sure. It goes, “Dear God, thank you for making me gorgeous.”
Q. I’ve always wondered, Oscar Man, when the actors say, “It’s an honor just to be nominated” do they mean it?
A. Well …heh-heh …well, HAHA …excuse me, I …HO HO HO EEEE
Q. I’m happy Peter Fonda was nominated this year, but I can’t remember what film he was in.
A. Neither can anyone in the Academy. They’re just too embarrassed to tell him.
Q. Who are all those people waiting outside the theater?
A. They’re in line for Ken Starr’s grand jury.
Q. Why is Burt Reynolds nominated for an Oscar?
A. The Academy felt guilty that he didn’t win for “Hooper.”
Q. Who is Tom Cruise bringing this year?
A. His wife, Nicole Kidman, his two children, Isabella and Connor, and his wet nurse, Rosie O’Donnell.
Q. Is it true that Barbra Streisand won’t attend because she’s suffering from an unusual ailment?
A. Yes. She’s been surgically attached to James Brolin.
Q. Is Cuba Gooding done with his acceptance speech yet?
A. Almost. He’s up to his dentist’s third cousin.
Q. All these award shows look alike. What’s the difference between the Oscars and the MTV Video Awards?
A. Nine ‘s, seven $%#@@!!’s, three ##**’s and one $$$$!
Q. Every year there is one acting performance that should have been nominated but wasn’t. Who was it this year?
A. Linda Tripp.
Q. Who will win Best Foreign Language Film?
A. Ca depend. Uno, dos. Bitte. Gevult!
Q. When is it time to shut the Oscars off?
A. When the camera pans to Kato Kaelin.
To leave a message for Mitch Albom, call 1-313-223-4581.