That’s it. Cut it out. Not another word about William (The Refrigerator) Perry. I’m sick of hearing about William (The Refrigerator) Perry. I’m tired of seeing his face on everything. I’m tired of all those silly stories about how much he weighs. Enough!
I don’t want to know how William (The Refrigerator) Perry is going to pass against the Lions today, or what kind of fudge sauce William (The Refrigerator) Perry likes on his pizza. Stop it. I’m not listening. La-la-la-la-la-la-la. See? My hands are over my ears and I’m singing. La-la-la-la. I can’t hear you. La-la-la. I bet even his mother, Mrs. (The Refrigerator) Perry, has grown tired of hearing about her son, William (The Refrigerator) Perry, and she raised him from just an icebox.
Yes. Well now, here are the picks. . . .
BEARS 24, LIONS 7: Oh, would I like to see the Lions shut down Walter Payton. Oh, would I like to see them knock down William (The Refrigerator) Perry, and maybe steal a rib roast. Oh, me. Oh, my. No way.
OILERS 17, BILLS 6: Remember when Vince Ferragamo was a big name?
RAIDERS 31, CHARGERS 28: LA versus San Diego. Oh, wow. Too much sunshine for me to comment.
SEAHAWKS 28, SAINTS 10: Rumor is Bum Phillips’ job is in jeopardy. Will he be replaced by . . . William (The Refrigerator) Perry?
PATRIOTS 31, COLTS 21: Poor Indianapolis. The Colts need a quarterback. How about . . . William (The Refrigerator) Perry?
49ERS 17, BRONCOS 16: Extremely Big Game No. 1. Oh, is this big.
COWBOYS 26, REDSKINS 24: Extremely Big Game No 2. This may be even bigger.
DOLPHINS 24, JETS 21: Extremely Big Game No. 3. Wow, is this one big. It may be as big as . . . William (The Refrigerator) Perry.
EAGLES 27, FALCONS 14: It’s not the eagle that’s the endangered species. It’s the Falcons’ secondary.
BENGALS 17, BROWNS 16: Bernie Kosar on one side. Eddie Brown on the other. And you thought all they studied at the University of Miami was suntanning.
BUCCANEERS 24, CARDINALS 13: It’s that time again. Time for Tampa Bay to win its first game of the season.
VIKINGS 16, PACKERS 13: My favorite bathroom reading material, USA Today, informs me that the Packers use Swedish toilet paper in their locker rooms instead of American. How could I pick a team like that to win?
STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 7: Louis Lipps sinks ships.
GIANTS 21, RAMS 17: New York! LA! Woody Allen! Johnny Carson! Bagels! Tofutti! Taxi cabs! Mercedes! Murder! Cult murder! And I bet everyone in St. Louis and Kansas City says they’re not interested.
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Patriots 21 1/2, Dolphins 21. New England won, 17-13.
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: LA Raiders 17, Seahawks 16. Seattle won, 33-3.
RECORD LAST WEEK: 8-6. So? Betcha William (The Refrigerator) Perry can’t do any better.