It’s a new decade, and if I ruled the world – and somehow, once again, I do not – these would be the new rules for 2010:
ÂNo more vampires.
ÂJon + Kate = gone.
ÂAll airplane seats are twice as wide.
ÂAnd twice as deep.
ÂAll adults must teach at least one child – besides their own – to read, until there is no more illiteracy.
ÂIf there’s not at least 10 chips in a chocolate chip cookie, they go back and put in more.
ÂThe following phrases are outlawed from our vocabulary: “totally,””I heard that,””you go, girl,” and “hello, I’m Ryan Seacrest.”
ÂNo government bill can exceed one page.
ÂEveryone who is called a “celebrity” must come before a panel, explain why they are a “celebrity” and be forced to listen to endless laughter.
ÂDeposits. Withdrawals. Give interest. That’s all banks get to do.
ÂBye-bye, Facebook. A directive for Tiger, too
ÂAll politicians are gone after two terms.
ÂLobbyist is no longer a profession.
ÂEvery candidate gets the same amount of money, the same free TV spots and the same number of days to campaign.
ÂTeaching must be a top-five-paying job.
ÂCoffee shops must have two lines: one for the foo-foo-caramel-mocha-half-caf-double-shot-foamy-latte stuff, and one for people who want a cup of coffee.
ÂWrap it up, Harry Potter.
ÂThe Yankees must go five years without stealing anyone else’s players.
ÂTiger Woods cannot do “Oprah.”
ÂNew rule: You can’t play “Guitar Hero” until you learn how to actually play a guitar.
ÂGood-bye, Simon Cowell.
ÂAnyone snapping a stranger’s photo with a cell phone must pay that person whatever he or she asks.
ÂWe all agree, and I mean everyone, that Michael Jackson was not the Lord.
ÂIf a restaurant tells you “10 minutes” and 30 minutes later, you’re still standing there, you can go into the kitchen and take whatever you want.
ÂYou drink and drive a second time, it’s straight to jail for at least a year.
ÂOnce and for all: carbs, calories or fat?
ÂAnd there goes TMZ. An order to enjoy winter
ÂNo one gets to call himself – or anyone else – a conservative or a liberal.
ÂCNN, Fox News and MSNBC go off the air at 6 p.m.
ÂNo more 34-hour-a-week “part-time” jobs.
ÂBowl games again will be named after fruits and flowers, not insurance or rent-a-car companies.
ÂIt now will be against the law to charge more than $1 for any of the following: a cup of coffee, a bottle of water, a small popcorn or a newspaper.
ÂThese phrases will be outlawed: “blogosphere,””oh, snap!,””have a seat and someone will be with you shortly,” and “ladies and gentlemen, Adam Lambert.”
ÂNo more powdered eggs.
ÂNew rules for high schoolers: can’t text, can’t e-mail, can’t cell-phone. It’s called human interaction. Try it.
ÂIf you wait more than 20 minutes for your doctor’s appointment, it’s free.
ÂNo one cares who Jennifer Aniston dates.
ÂCredit card rules must be 10 words or fewer.
ÂThe person who hired you can’t send an underling to fire you.
ÂIf you are beaten, harassed, cheated on or abused, you cannot go on a talk show. That’s not part of the healing.
ÂAdults must, once a year, play in the snow.
ÂIf the warranty won’t cover at least three years, you can’t make the product.
ÂKardashians? Never heard of them.
ÂWhen you withdraw from an ATM, they give YOU a dollar for letting them hold your money.
ÂIf you don’t say “please,” you get a noogie.
Contact MITCH ALBOM: 313-223-4581 or email@example.com. Catch “The Mitch Albom Show” 5-7 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760). Also catch “Monday Sports Albom” 7-8 p.m. Mondays on WJR. To read recent columns, go to freep.com/mitch.