I would like to write something funny and witty and entertaining and insightful to top my picks for this week, but I am stuck in line at a shopping mall, waiting to pay for a blender. I have been here since Thursday, and I am getting hungry.

So here are the picks.

LIONS 23, PACKERS 12: The Lions are at home. They are very happy. They strut around the Silverdome. “See this?” they say, “this is our turf. And see this? This is our bench. And see this? This is our Gatorade bucket.” They lean back and smile.”We cannot lose,” they say, “we are at home.”

BEARS 19, JETS 6: I guarantee this one. I can feel it. Bet the house.

BRONCOS 14, CHIEFS 13: I can feel it again. Bet the farm. Bet the kids.

DOLPHINS 27, PATRIOTS 20: Why? Why not?

49ERS 35, SAINTS 21: The Saints come marching in. And go splat.

VIKINGS 14, FALCONS 13: Nipped by the Bud.

BROWNS 26, OILERS 14: Do you know where I am moving next? I am moving to the Central Division. Any place where you can win a title by going .500 is perfect for someone with my picking talent.

CHARGERS 34, EAGLES 31: The O in San Diego is for offense, as in
“Overwhelming.” The D in San Diego is for defense, as in “Defunct.”

RAMS 30, CARDINALS 10: Is Ron Brown fast? Oh, my. In the time it took you to read this, he ran from LA to San Diego. Very fast. Wooh!

BUCS 20, COLTS 19: Indianapolis vs. Tampa Bay. Hey. Now this is some kind of game. Don’t miss this one. Fly there if you have to. Don’t miss this one. Really. What a game. Zowee!

STEELERS 24, BILLS 6: The steel curtain has turned to lace. That’s still too tough a fabric for Buffalo.

GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 24: Sometimes the Cowboys look like John Wayne. Sometimes they look like Hopalong Cassidy. Why will they lose? If they don’t, the Lions are dead.

RAIDERS 23, SEAHAWKS 21: “Take that, you !*$& . . . oh, yeah? How’s about
&*&$! . . . urmph . . . grylzp . . . *$& ! . . . ayooop!” No. These teams do not like one another.

REDSKINS 30, BENGALS 26: Washington needs it. Washington must have it. Washington gets it.

BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Patriots 26, Lions 10. Patriots won, 23-6.

WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Browns 25, Seahawks 23. Seahawks won, 31-13.

RECORD LAST WEEK: 9-5.

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