IF IT’S AN INSTANT REPLAY, WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG?

I don’t know about this new instant replay business.

Did you watch Monday Night Football last week? Did you see that call? The refs checked the instant replay, what, for four hours? I could have taken a bus to Dallas in that time. Why does it take so long? What were they doing in front of that screen? What were those refs talking about? . . .

“Let’s see that one again, Jake.”

“Yes, let’s.”

“Roll it back.”

“Rolling.”

“Ooh. Look at that angle.”

“Yes, very pretty.”

“Let’s see it again.”

“Yes, let’s.

“He looks like a gymnast going for that pass.”

“Like Mary Lou Retton.”

“Yes. Like Mary Lou Retton.”

“Let’s see it again.”

“Yes, let’s.”

“These cameramen are really something, aren’t they?”

“Really something.”

“Let’s see it again.”

“Yes, let’s.”

“Yep.”

“Yes, indeedy.”

“Do you think he caught it?”

“I have no idea.”

“Me, neither.”

But enough of this serious contemplation. Here now, for Week 2, are the picks . . .

LIONS 24, COWBOYS 17: Lightning never strikes twice. Once burned, twice shy. Vengeance is thine — ah, the hell with that stuff. We win.

BEARS 120, EAGLES 3: Oooh, Buddy. Now you’re gonna get it. You called Mike Ditka “a jerk”? A JERK? Give Chicago your thumbs, Buddy. Maybe they’ll spare the rest of you.

DOLPHINS 50, COLTS 28: Week II. The Wrath Of Don.

PACKERS 21, SAINTS 10: I can only think of, oh, maybe 187 more interesting things to do than watch this game.

49ERS 17, RAMS 13: The California Bowl. HEY, DUUUDES!

PATRIOTS 20, JETS 6: I have a strong feeling on this one.

RAIDERS 31, REDSKINS 21: The Silver Meanies Go To Washington: tour the White House, tour the Pentagon, bury the Redskins, go home.

FALCONS 20, CARDINALS 17: I love these Wild Kingdom battles. Feathers flying, beaks pecking, claws unfurled. Oh my.

GIANTS 24, CHARGERS 19: San Diego people can’t play in New York. No hot tubs.

BROWNS 17, OILERS 14: What’s a Brown?

BENGALS 24, BILLS 16: These games . . .

VIKINGS 24, BUCS 21: . . . are very . . .

SEAHAWKS 20, CHIEFS 16: . . . dull.

BRONCOS 28, STEELERS 10 (MONDAY NIGHT): Your way, my way, their way, Elway.

BEST PICK LAST WEEK: 49ers 33, Bucs 14. 49ers won, 31-7.

WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Packers 12, Oilers 10. Oilers won, 31-3.

LAST WEEK’S RECORD: 10-4. Thank you, thank you.

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