IF NCAA SHOOTS ITSELF, CAN HOLTZ GIVE LAST RITES?

THE LIVE ALBOM

* Let’s see. A cup of hot chocolate, a seat cushion, a Corvette, six cheerleaders, a job for your sister, four free plane tickets and an envelope full of complimentary tickets.

* Everyone ready for college football?
* I hope the NCAA employs a medical staff — for all the times it shoots itself in the foot.
* Speaking of college football, Michigan will beat Notre Dame Saturday, it says here. By 14.
* By the way, I knew Notre Dame was a religious school, but I never knew Lou Holtz took it so seriously. For his role as the Irish coach, he spent eight years on “M*A*S*H,” as Father Mulcahy.
* The Bears had a rap video. The Raiders have a rap video. Can the Lions be far behind?
* I can hear it now . . . I’m the big bad fullback, name’s James Jones, Run me up the middle, I’ll break your bones, Run me to the side, I’ll break your bones, Run me to the other side, I’ll break your bones Run me off-tackle, I’ll break your bones, Run me — Hey man, run somebody else!

* Where did David Letterman’s middle tooth go?
* Let me be serious for a moment. It’s time to clear up an old rumor about Larry Herndon. The night of that first World Series game in 1984, when he hit the winning home run, he did not duck reporters by leaving the stadium in his uniform. Recently, Larry told me the truth: He thought Jack Morris deserved the attention that night, so he got dressed in the trainer’s room and left. In his regular clothes. The false story has been printed hundreds of places over the years, including here, and my apologies to Larry, who deserves better.
* OK. The serious moment’s over.
* Nothing against the Chicago Bears. But don’t you just want to smack this guy?
* Now that Earl Weaver has left the Orioles, he can expect a call from George Steinbrenner. The big crab has been after the little crab for years.
* Either way, Lou Piniella is probably history. I’m waiting for the day when there’s no one left to manage the Yankees, so Steinbrenner takes over, then gets so mad, he fires himself.
* Don’t believe those rumors from Dallas. Not only do Tony Dorsett and Herschel Walker get along, they have decided to go into business together. Here you see them modeling their new line of Cowboys underwear, available in fine stores this fall. Helmet not included.
* I love tennis. I really do. But that was one of the dullest U.S. Opens in a long time.
* To anyone who has listened to me this week on WLLZ (98.7 FM) with rock star Ted Nugent, let me quietly say this: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!
* You think this summer went quickly? The Red Wings start practice Monday.
* Bo Schembechler says there is no truth to the rumor that he and David Crosby of Crosby, Stills and Nash are actually the same person. Schembechler admits he knows all the words to “Teach Your Children” and “Woodstock,” but says, “that’s strictly coincidence, man.”

CUTLINE Father . . . Mul-louie? Crosby, Stills and . . . Schembechler?

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