We must watch out. We must beware. Equipment is lurking everywhere, ready to attack.

The killer tarp struck in St. Louis last week, swallowing Vince Coleman to mid-thigh. That was just the begining. It’s coming. The takeover. I can feel it.

Football is next. There goes a halfback, zipping down the sideline when — oh no! — stabbed by a first-down marker. A receiver speeds into the end zone,

leaps high for a pass when — oh no! — KO’d by the goalpost. A quarterback is scrambling when — oh no! — eaten by a runaway line marker. It’s a plot. A conspiracy. The equipment has been talking behind our backs. “Soon . . . soon
. . . ” it whispers. We must watch out. We must beware. We must take cover. The horror. The horror . . .

OK. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

And now, here’s this week’s picks . . .

49ERS 31, LIONS 13: The 49ers can be had. The 49ers can be beaten. The 49ers can be overwhelmed. But not by the Lions.

RAIDERS 21, BROWNS 20: Isn’t it a little strange that Cleveland quarterback Gary Danielson got injured just about the time Bernie Kosar was ready to make a start? I don’t know about that. Strange. Very strange indeed. Hmmmm.

FALCONS 14, SAINTS 13: Just as the referee goes to call a pass interference play — oh no! — strangled by his whistle.

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 24: The We Hate You Game No. 1. Oooh, they don’t like one another.

REDSKINS 19, GIANTS 17: The We Hate You Game No. 2. If a Washington guy asked a New York guy the time of day, he’d be ignored. Of course, a New York guy wouldn’t ask a Washington guy the time of day. He’d just steal his watch.

COLTS 35, BILLS 14: Buffalo! Indy! Ugh.

BEARS 19, PACKERS 17: The We Hate You Game No. 3. And if Bears coach Mike Ditka gets arrested for drunken driving after a victory, I don’t want to be around when he loses.

VIKINGS 20, CHARGERS 14: Bud Grant goes to signal a play when — oh no! — attacked by his headset.

STEELERS 17, CARDINALS 16: No. Uh-uh. St. Louis wins the NL East. St. Louis wins the NL pennant. St. Louis is in the World Series. Sorry. Too much winning is just not healthy for one city. Sorry. No. Uh-uh.

BRONCOS 38, SEAHAWKS 30: Elway. Krieg. The ball will never touch the earth.

JETS 21, PATRIOTS 10: Remember “West Side Story?” When you’re a Jet, then it’s well understood, someone gets in your way, someone don’t feel so good.

DOLPHINS 30, BUCCANEERS 13: After all, you never heard of Tampa Bay Vice, did you?

BENGALS 24, OILERS 12: Houston is better than it looks. Cincinnati looks better than Houston looks, even when it looks good, which is better than it looks. What am I saying?

RAMS 16, CHIEFS 10: Nick Lowery goes to kick a field goal when — oh no! — the tee bites his foot off.

BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Raiders 23, Saints 13. Raiders won, 23-13.

WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Cardinals 34, Eagles 12. Eagles won, 30-7.

LAST WEEK’S RECORD: 8-6. I’d like to explain but — oh no! — my typewriter is attac–

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