* SAN FRANCISCO 33, DETROIT 14: I know they’re desperate. I know they beat Dallas last year. I know Wayne Fontes survives more crashes than the coyote in
“Road Runner.” I know all that. I also know that San Francisco kicks the snot out of everyone. Pick vs. spread: San Francisco.
* KANSAS CITY 20, CLEVELAND 17: So this is what it comes to. An AFC “big” game features Vinny Testaverde against Steve Bono. Vs. spread: Kansas City.
* PITTSBURGH 16, MINNESOTA 13: So this is what it comes to. Mike Tomczak, and Jim McMahon is holding a clipboard somewhere. Vs. spread: Minnesota.
* ST. LOUIS 23, CHICAGO 20: So this is what it comes to. St. Louis fans have football on Sundays, and LA fans go to the mall. Vs. spread: St. Louis.
* OAKLAND 28, PHILADELPHIA 6: Both teams run a version of the West Coast offense. The difference is, Oakland is actually on the West Coast. Vs. spread: Oakland.
* DALLAS 23, ARIZONA 6: Buddy Ryan gets his head handed to him. And he says,
“Hey, there’s no brain in here!” Vs. spread: Dallas.
* CINCINNATI 7, HOUSTON 0: Wake me up . . . Vs. spread: Cincinnati.
* NEW YORK GIANTS 5, NEW ORLEANS 0: . . . when it’s over. Vs. spread: Giants.
* DENVER 30, SAN DIEGO 28: Before the year is out, the biggest question will be, “How did the Chargers ever go to the Super Bowl?” Vs. spread: Denver.
* TAMPA BAY 27, WASHINGTON 17: When your quarterbacks are named Gus and Heath, you can only go so far. Vs. spread: Tampa Bay.
* ATLANTA 20, NEW YORK JETS 9: In recent years, Atlanta has survived Deion Sanders, Andre Rison and Jerry Glanville. No wonder it got the Olympics. Vs. spread: Atlanta.
* GREEN BAY 16, JACKSONVILLE 9: First person to name three Jacksonville starters wins a prize. Vs. spread: Jacksonville.
* SEASON RECORD: Idle.
* MITCH VS. CURT: This weekend starts the annual picks battle between Albom and Sylvester. The sports writer with the better winning percentage will get his choice of teams in their Great Super Bowl Debate, which runs the day before Super Bowl XXX in Tempe, Ariz. In other words, the loser gets stuck with the AFC champion.