Oprah? I have to put you on hold . . . “
Click.
“Hello? . . . Yes. I’m the agent for Jeffrey Maier, the kid who caught the ball at Yankee Stadium. Who’s this? . . . Tom Brokaw . . . one second.”
Click.
“Oprah? Bear with me. I’ve got Brokaw’s people on the other line . . . no, not before you get your interview I promise . . . just hang on–“
Click.
“Tom? I’m back. OK, what did you need? . . . I see . . . that’s gonna be tough. . . . Why? Because he’s busier than Clinton and Dole put together. . .
. Are you kidding? . . . I have him on ‘The Tonight Show’ Monday, hosting
‘Wheel of Fortune’ Tuesday, shooting an episode of ‘Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper’ on Wednesday, then . . . hold on, I’m getting a click here–“
Click.
“Hello? . . . JEFFREY! A chocolate shake? In the limo? No problem! Just tell the driver.”
Click.
“Oprah, you still there? I haven’t forgotten. Thirty more seconds–”
Click.
“Tom, I’m afraid Thursday is the earliest . . . uh-huh . . . let’s make it 1:30. He has to meet with Warner Books at noon . . . uh-huh . . . they want his autobiography. . . . Yes, I realize he’s only 12, but he’s hot! Am I right, or am I right?”
Click.
“Hello? . . . JEFFREY! French fries with the milk shake? Put it on my account. OK, kiddo?”
Click.
“Anyhow, Tom. You want him, you got him. For $100,000. . . . No, I’m not joking. This is the hottest celebrity in the country. . . . JFK Jr.? Come on. All he did was get married. My client affected a BASEBALL game. During the PLAYOFFS, for Pete’s sake! Hold on here–“
Click.
“Oprah? Thirty more seconds, may God strike me dead if I’m not back by then . . .”
Click. Catch of the day
“Hello? . . . New York Times? Well, I guess Jeffrey can find time for you
— next week . . .
“That’s right . . . he stuck out his glove in the Yankees- Baltimore game.
. . . Yes, he interfered with the fly ball . . . yes, it turned Derek Jeter’s hit into a home run . . . yes, the Yankees won by a run. . . . Yes, a New York deli named a sandwich after Jeffrey. Yes, ‘Good Morning America’ had him on the next day . . .
“What’s that? . . . Breaking the rules? How DARE you ask such a question!
“Who CARES if he broke the rules? This is America. That’s what made him GREAT! That’s why he’s going to be a BIG STAR! He DARED to be different. He wasn’t like every other shy little TWERP who would have sat there waiting for the ball to LAND IN HIS LAP!
“No, sir! My client saw his chance and he GRABBED it. That’s why we’re calling his autobiography ‘I Got It!’
“What’s that? . . . Well, yes, that’s, uh, technically true, he didn’t catch the ball. . . . Someone else got it when it deflected off of Jeffrey’s glove. But we have a lawsuit pending, and in the movie version, he will catch it, as he falls over the balcony and . . . hang on a sec–“
Click.
“Oprah, I am saying good-bye right now, I swear on a stack of Bibles. By the way, Jeffrey loves your show–“
Click.
“Hello? JEFFREY! FAO Schwartz? Of course, sweetheart. Get whatever you want.
. . . What’s that? School? Haha! No, my young friend, I don’t think we’ll be worrying about school any longer . . . good-bye–
Click.
“Tom? That’s our price, take it or leave it.”
Click.
“Oprah? I’m all yours . . . ” What a country!
“How’s that? Tuesday would be fine. We’ll tape the whole hour . . . by the way, Jeffrey likes a bowl of Milky Ways in his dressing room . . .
“Topics? Well. You can talk about integrity — the integrity that made Jeffrey turn down the ‘Geraldo’ show when it offered $1,000. A thousand dollars? Who do they think he is, Al Gore? My client is an AMERICAN ICON! Don’t insult him with an offer like that . . .
“I know, Oprah. Not everyone has your foresight. Can you believe someone actually suggested Jeffrey be punished instead of celebrated, and that he not be allowed to go to any more games, simply because he broke the rules and interfered with play?
“The nerve of some people? Hold on–“
Click.
“Yes? US Magazine? I’m sorry, Jeffrey’s on the cover of People this week. Nice try–“
Click.
“Hello? . . . Nike? . . . a commercial? . . . with Tiger Woods? . . . I like it–
Click.
“Hello? Jeffrey? The limo guy won’t let you drive? Lean over, and whisper in his ear: ‘No tip.’ . . . Yes, I promise that will work.”
Click.
“Oprah, let’s close this deal . . . uh-huh . . . Tuesday’s show. Done. Other clients? Well, I have this 6-year-old who kissed a classmate and got charged with sexual harassment. . . . Friday? Consider it booked.
“How’s that? . . . Yes, it’s a great country, Oprah. It surely is . . .”
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