by | Nov 21, 2008 | Detroit Free Press | 0 comments

I hear voices. I open my door. Look who’s on my porch, singing Christmas Carols . . .

* George Foreman: “The Christmas Song” Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Whipped cream hanging from my nose

Pumpkin pies and a burger or two

And milk shakes, fries, and Cheerios,

Everybody knows, a turkey and some Pizza Hut

They enable me to punch

When Holyfield drops, I’ll eat Tootsie Pops,

And wait for Tyson, hey, where’s my lunch?

* Sergei Fedorov: “Winter Wonderland”

Sleigh bells ring, I am scoring

In the room, I am snoring

It feels very free, with no KGB

Skating in this U.S. Wonderland

Brand new life, I am copin’

Get my mail, it’s unopened,

What wonderful things, I love Burger Kings

Skating in this U.S. Wonderland
* Tiger fans: “Blue Christmas”

We’ll have a blue Christmas, without Ernie

We’ll be so blue, just thinking about Ernie

Play by play, rain delay, home runs on the roof

Won’t be the same now, if he’s not in the booth,

So when those blue snowflakes start falling

You can bet Dominos we won’t be calling

Tom and Bo, they sure know, how to ruin radiooo

And we’ll have a Blue, blue blue Christmas
* Andre Ware: “White Christmas”

I’m dreaming of a snap for Christmas

Just like the snaps I used to take

To complete a pass would feel oh so good,

I would even take a running play — whatdya say?

I’m dreaming of a snap for Christmas

It’s been so long I can’t recall

Do I say hut one or hut twoooo?

Hope I still remember what to do.
* Jerry Tarkanian: “Frosty The Snowman”

I’m Jerry Tarkanian, I’m as happy as can be

‘Cause my team of champs will get their chance

To repeat their victory

I’m Jerry Tarkanian, my friends call me the shark

‘Cause I break the rules, and I outcheat schools

And I know a lot of narcs

I still don’t see the fuss they made

With all their courtroom fights,

The NCAA actually says

My kids should read and write, HA!

I’m Jerry Tarkanian, so what if I’m a leech?

‘Cause come next year I’m outta here,

Chewing towels on the beach.
* Victor Kiam: “Oh, Christmas Tree”

Oh Remington, Lady Remington,

Please won’t you buy my shavers?

Yes I admit, I was a twit,

Please won’t you buy my razors?

I never said “a classic bitch”

I’ll throw my players in a ditch

I’ve even made the Lisa Olson Blade

Please won’t you buy my shavers?
* Isiah Thomas and Virg Jacques: “The Little Drummer Boy”

You say I strangled you

You’re dumb dumb dumb dumb

Isiah, you did, too

With your thumb thumb thumb thumb

Your station’s after me

They’re bum bum bum bum bums,

But we host Chuck Daly

So can’t we be chums, can’t we be chums

Can’t we be chums?

We made the news at six, now the truth comes

We were both dumb.
* Andre Agassi: “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree”

Posing around the Christmas tree

As I blow dry my hair

Fans say I dress like a lemon tree

But I say I don’t care

Posing around the Christmas tree

Think I’ll fake an injury

Film a commercial, drink a beer,

God, I’m so glad to be me!
* George Steinbrenner: “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

God rest me, Georgie Steinbrenner

‘Cause I’ve had quite a year

I lost my team, I lost my seats,

Got thrown out on my ear,

I’d like to take Fay Vincent’s house

And set the thing on fire

Oh, I wish there was someone I could fire,

Then rehire.

Oh I wish there was someone I could fire.
* Chuck Daly: “Joy to the World”

Joy to the World, but bleep GQ

They picked Mike Dunleavyyyyy

They say he dresses better!

They really like his sweaters!

Hey, what about my suits?

And have you seen these boots?

I don’t want to get personal,

But bleep GQ.
* Bo Schembechler: “Silent Night”

Silent night, what a fright

No one likes me, nothing is right

Fired Ernie, now fans want my head, Build a new stadium, they’ll want me dead,

Wish I was back on the side…liiiines

Wish I was back on the sidelines.


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