WASHINGTON 20, DETROIT 17: So what if Rodney Peete hasn’t played more than five minutes all summer? So what if Barry Sanders has barely broken a sweat? So what if the Lions now have a tight end on their team, but nobody knows who he is or what exactly he does? Hey. I still think the Lions can cover the spread. If you can’t be optimistic in the first week of the season, you’re hopeless.
MINNESOTA 17, CHICAGO 14: Refrigerator Perry gets hungry. Eats teammate Neal Anderson. Bears lose.
INDIANAPOLIS 28, NEW ENGLAND 10: Bubba Paris gets hungry. Eats teammate Eric Dickerson. Patriots still lose.
LA RAMS 27, PHOENIX 14: All together now, Phoenix fans — TUPA! TUPA! TUUUUUUUPA!
CINCINNATI 28, DENVER 24: The Broncos begin another season with only one goal in mind: never, ever, ever go back to the Super Bowl.
DALLAS 28, CLEVELAND 20: This is how bad it’s gotten for Bernie Kosar: Now he’s losing to former coach, Jimmy Johnson.
KANSAS CITY 23, ATLANTA 20: Look! Here comes Andre Ris- rrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrr-and there goes Andre Rison.
TAMPA BAY 24, NY JETS 20: Here it is, the first week of the season, and already we’ve got a game I wouldn’t watch if you held a gun to my head.
HOUSTON 24, LA RAIDERS 20: Richard Johnson was the Lions’ top receiver last year. He was recently cut from Houston. What does that tell you?
PITTSBURGH 13, SAN DIEGO 7: I wonder whether Bob Gagliano’s done any surfing out there?
GREEN BAY 21, PHILADELPHIA 20: I don’t want to say the Eagles are different without Buddy Ryan, but they now have group therapy sessions instead of huddles.
NEW ORLEANS 19, SEATTLE 17: Neither one of these teams knows what to do with a football outdoors.
BUFFALO 22, MIAMI 10: Unless it comes down to a Scott Norwood field goal.
NY GIANTS 6, SAN FRANCISCO 2 (Monday night): Phil Simms and Joe Montana get together, watch this one on the tube, and say, “You know, these guys are really dull without us.”