LIONS TO GET GRIP ON BUCS

* Lions 23, Tampa Bay 9: After Alvin Robertson jumped on Billy McKinney and started strangling him, Andre Ware thought, “Hmm. What if I tried that with Wayne Fontes? . . .”

* LA Raiders 14, Chicago 13: Pity Chicago sports fans. The two Mikes they want most in life — Jordan and Ditka — are the two they can’t have.

* Minnesota 20, San Diego 14: When the season began, I predicted that Jim McMahon would be knocked out of the lineup by Halloween. And last Sunday, Halloween, the Lions knocked him onto the injured list. I would like to thank them for reading the newspapers and keeping us accurate.
* Buffalo 20, New England 13: Isn’t it funny how Bill Parcells ceased to be a genius the minute his talent went from good to lousy?
* Cleveland 23, Denver 22: Every time the Browns tackle John Elway, they’ll be saying, “This is for the AFC championship three years ago, and this is for the AFC championship four years ago, and this is for . . .”
* Philadelphia 13, Phoenix 9: The PH bowl! Yay!
* Dallas 27, NY Giants 21: One more week like last week and Emmitt Smith renegotiates.
* Pittsburgh 30, Cincinnati 7: The big question: Will Don Shula break the all-time victory mark in the NFL before his son, David, breaks the all-time losing mark?
* Houston 28, Seattle 10: Buddy Ryan has agreed to play Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf in the movie of his book “It Doesn’t Take a Hero.” They’re renaming the film to “It Doesn’t Take an Idiot.”
* Miami 23, NY Jets 20: After Don Shula gets his record, he celebrates by doing something he has always wanted to do: strangle Garo Yepremian for throwing that pass.
* Washington 21, Indianapolis 17: Warning: bring Band-aids.
* Green Bay 21, Kansas City 17 (Monday night): No Joe, no go.
* Best pick last week: Denver 30, Seattle 19 (Broncos won, 28-17).
* Worst pick last week: Atlanta 28, Tampa Bay 10 (Bucs won, 31-24).
* Record last week: 8-4.
* Record vs. spread: 4-7-1.
* Season record: 68-34.
* Season vs. spread: 42-58-2.

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