I’m all for the holiday spirit, but I’m not sure about Jim Arnold’s latest Christmas idea: the Detroit Lions garbage can. Arnold, the Lions punter, says you can do anything with it — “Use it as a party can, a storage can. Fill it with cans, and it’s a can can.”
Of course, Lions fans might have other suggestions. They might like to put the Lions’ defense inside the garbage can. Or maybe the owners manual for the run ‘n’ shoot.
Couldn’t Jim have come up with something a little more optimistic, like maybe a Lions piggy bank, where you save your pennies for next year’s draft pick? Or a Lions fire extinguisher to foam down the opposing team when it starts to score too many points? Or maybe even Lions ear plugs, for when the game gets too ugly to listen to?
But no. We get the Lions garbage can. And while I’m sure it has many practical uses, I am afraid if the Lions don’t start winning soon, people might show up at the Silverdome wearing these things on their heads — which will bring new meaning to the phrase, “I got trashed at the game.”
Ho, ho, ho.
And now, this week’s picks . . .
* Bears 24, Lions 23: The Lions would be happy with anything from Santa’s sack. Actually, they would be happy with a sack.
* Philadelphia 28, Green Bay 10: Buddy Ryan says he doesn’t put bounties on opposing players. He just sticks their jerseys under the noses of his players,
then yells, “Sic ’em!”
* Miami 21, Seattle 17: Is it just me, or has Chuck Knox been around for 100 years?
* Washington 31, New England 14: The rumor is Victor Kiam would like to move his team out of New England. Hey, Vic. How about South America?
* New York Giants 23, Buffalo 17: Bruce Smith declared himself “the best defensive player in the league” this week, which is really good timing, considering his team plays Sunday against Lawrence Taylor.
* Atlanta 4, Cleveland 0: The We Stink Bowl.
* Minnesota 28, Tampa 21: Just a question here: What if the Bucs give Bill Walsh all that money and all that power and then find out that his secret was really Joe Montana?
* Kansas City 29, Houston 24: Chiefs clinch the playoffs; Steve DeBerg clinches Geritol endorsement.
* Dallas 28, Phoenix 20: Don’t look now, but the Cowboys might make, gulp, the playoffs.
* Pittsburgh 12, New Orleans 10: The Steelers have my favorite name for a football player — Tunch Ilkin. I mean, just what did his parents have in mind?
* Denver 23, San Diego 20: I think we can stop worrying about the Broncos’ spoiling another Super Bowl.
* New York Jets 20, Indianapolis 10: This game is a very good argument for cleaning the fish tank.
* LA Raiders 34, Cincinnati 20: The Raiders spent most of this week wondering who that Sanders guy was on Monday night.
* San Francisco 29, LA Rams 20 (Monday night): Forget Randy Newman. It’s Joe Montana who loves LA.
* Record last week: 8-4.
* Record last week vs. spread: 6-6.
* Season record: 116-66.
* Season record vs. spread: 94-85-3.
* Best pick last week: Kansas City 31, Denver 21. (Chiefs won, 31-20.)
* Worst pick last week: Green Bay 28, Seattle 20. (Seattle won, 20-14.)