* Lions 23, Patriots 14: New England. New Coach. New Quarterback. Same mess.
* Minnesota 20, Chicago 17: Jim McMahon steps under center, looks across the line at his old Bears teammates, and says, “Hey, you never returned my albums
. . .”
* Kansas City 21, Houston 20: Boy, old Buddy Ryan is making a lot of friends down in Texas, isn’t he? Called the Oilers’ offense the “chuck ‘n’ duck.” And he works for that team!
* New Orleans 24, Atlanta 10: Chris Miller is still at the Silverdome, trying to peel himself off the carpet.
* Green Bay 20, Philadelphia 10: His old Eagles teammates gather around Reggie White, slap him on the back and say, “Reg, old pal, old buddy, can you lend us a few bucks?”
* Indianapolis 3, Cincinnati 0: I would rather have root canal.
* Washington 16, Phoenix 9: Will someone please explain to me where Desmond Howard is, and how come he’s not a star?
* NY Giants 20, Tampa Bay 6: Steve DeBerg started last week, but won’t this week. Doctors told him too much exertion at his age is not healthy.
* Dallas 21, Buffalo 16: Didn’t we just do this game at the Super Bowl?
* Miami 24, NY Jets 21: Don Shula will break the NFL coaching- victories mark this season, after which he will realize his true dream: trading in his chin for a new one.
* Pittsburgh 10, LA Rams 9: On their way back from California, the Steelers stop in San Francisco to ask Barry Bonds if, you know, maybe he wants to come home?
* San Diego 28, Denver 27: I’m just waiting for ESPN’s Chris Berman to call him “Marion (Beavis and) Butts (head).”
* LA Raiders 28, Seattle 7: For all the noise over Joe Montana, the best quarterback in the NFL last weekend was Jeff Hostetler.
* San Francisco 23, Cleveland 20: Jerry Ball has nicknamed himself “Crush” for what he says he does to opposing teams. I thought it was what he did to the scale.
* Best pick last week: Cleveland 26, Cincinnati 14 (Browns won, 27-14).
* Worst pick last week: Dallas 21, Washington 17 (Redskins won, 35-16.
* Record last week: 12-2.
* Record vs. spread: 6-8.