SEOUL, South Korea — Twelve reasons why football is not an Olympic sport:
1. Nobody else plays it.
2. They would never pass the drug tests.
3. No money.
4. They would never pass the steroids tests.
5. The athletes’ village would be wrecked by Tuesday.
6. John Madden can’t pronounce “Abile Kabile.”
7. The Olympic Committee frowns on the dumping of Gatorade by amateur athletes.
8. Jim McMahon.
9. I mean, can you see him in the Opening Ceremonies?
10. I can’t imagine Norway fielding a football team.
11. They couldn’t find official outfits in big enough sizes.
12. The players would dip the medals in champagne, then eat them, then burp.
And now, this week’s picks. . . .
NEW ORLEANS 24, LIONS 17: Whatever happened to the bags that Saints fans used to wear over their heads? And can we put them over the Saints’ helmets today?
CHICAGO 31, MINNESOTA 21: I am starting to worry. I am starting to get concerned. I am starting to think that we may be reading another Jim McMahon book next spring.
DENVER 34, KANSAS CITY 10: Can anyone even remember when the Chiefs used to go to the Super Bowl? They rode on horses, didn’t they?
HOUSTON 26, NY JETS 21: Mark Gastineau and Brigitte Nielsen are so in love, they had their names tattooed on each others’ butts. His says “stupid,” hers says “twice as stupid.”
LA RAMS 17, LA RAIDERS 10: Wait a minute. LA vs. LA? Who has the home-field advantage? Is this fair? Is this normal?
MIAMI 30, GREEN BAY 10: And I only say this because if the Dolphins lose one more time, Don Shula is going to jump off a building.
BUFFALO 16, NEW ENGLAND 13: You have to say this for the Patriots’ consistency: year after year, they are inconsistent.
TAMPA BAY 2, PHOENIX 1: All the excitement of a baseball game.
PITTSBURGH 28, CINCINNATI 21: You have to say this about the Bengals’ consistency: year after year, they are as inconsistent as New England.
SAN FRANCISCO 30, ATLANTA 7: If Steve Young and Joe Montana keep sharing the quarterback job, does that mean Young gets to take Montana’s wife to the dance, too?
NY GIANTS 21, DALLAS 17: Every year these two teams play. Every year one team wins, 21-17. Really. We’re getting a little tired of this.
SEATTLE 30, SAN DIEGO 9: It’s a good thing Seattle’s stadium is indoors. I have a feeling we’re going to be up there in January.
PHILADELPHIA 23, WASHINGTON 21: What? An upset? Are you crazy? Do you really think Randall Cunningham can lead the Eagles over the Redskins? Yeah. I think he can.
(MONDAY NIGHT) INDIANAPOLIS 20, CLEVELAND 17: The Browns spend the first half running through the stands saying, “Can you play quarterback? Can you play quarterback?”
RECORD LAST WEEK: 11-3
RECORD THIS SEASON: 20-8
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: San Francisco 21, NY Giants 20 (San Francisco won, 20-17).
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Cleveland 13, NY Jets 6 (Browns lost, 23-3). CUTLINE McMahon