by | Nov 21, 2008 | Detroit Free Press | 0 comments

PASADENA, Calif. — They came, they saw, they conquered. Now it is time for the New York Giants to do what all great American sports heroes must do:


Phil Simms for American Express:

“Do you know me? In that case, I’m Robert Redford. No, ha, ha. Just kidding. When I leave town, I always carry my American Express card. That’s because, until the Super Bowl, I couldn’t get the time of day in a New York restaurant. Not anymore. Now I get the whole left side of the menu. Free. I walk into a clothing store? They give me a wardrobe. Car dealership? Take it, Phil. It’s yours. In fact, now that we won the Super Bowl, I only use this American Express card for picking my teeth. Why not get one, too?”

Lawrence Taylor for Sanka:

“Hey L.T.! That’s the fourth running back you’ve crippled today.”

“I know. I’ve been so jumpy lately.”

“I’ve got something for that.”

“Now, man, you know I’ve been clean. . . . “


“You’re welcome.”

“No. Decaffeinated coffee. Try some.”

“Mmmm. . . . zzzzzzzz. . . . “


Elvis Patterson sings Elvis Presley:

“You know, ever since I was a kid, people have been sayin’, ‘Sing one for us, Elvis.’ I’d say, ‘Naw, man, I’m just a football player.’ But now that we won the Super Bowl, I’m more than a football player. I am a recording artist.

“That’s right. I want you to buy my new album, ‘Elvis Sings.’ It’s my cornerback tribute to the King. You get, ‘Stuck On You,’ ‘Return to Passer,’
‘You Slipped, You Fumbled, You Fell,’ ‘Jailhouse Pop,’ ‘Can’t Help Stripping the Ball From You,’ ‘Rip It Up,’ ‘Viva, Las Vegas Oddsmakers,’ ‘I Want You, I Need You, I Spear You,’ and more, more, more. Call now. Operators are standing by.”

George Martin and John Elway for Sports Illustrated magazine:

“Hi. I’m John Elway, here to tell you about Sports Illustrated.”

“And I’m here to make . . . a SAFETY!”


“Heh, heh. Sorry, John. Didn’t mean to scare you. Go right ahead.”

“Uh . . . with Sports Illustrated, you get pages and pages of action photos, like this one of me passing, and this one of me scrambling and this one of . . . oh, this one is of you, George.”

“Yeah. It’s my . . . SAFETY!”


“Heh. heh.”

“Subscribe now, and you get . . . whatever you get. Thank you, goodby.”

“Drive . . . SAFETY!”


“Heh, heh.”

Carl Banks for Smith-Barney:

“Hey, everybody. Remember that old dude, used to do these commercials? He’s not here anymore. I popped him. Put him in the hospital. Yeah. He came around right end of the couch, sort of like a sweep, you know, and I got him low, a clean hit. He’s out now. And all this is mine. This big room, this fancy oak table, all these books. Smith-Barney. We earn money the old- fashioned way. We take it down.”

Sylvester Stallone and Mark Bavaro for milk:

“I’m Sly. Dis is Mark.”



“Drink milk. It’s good for you. And stuff.”



“And stuff.”

Harry Carson for Gatorade:

“I logged a lot of miles getting ready for my Super Bowl. And I downed a lot of Gatorade. Not in my mouth. On my head. That’s right, I shower with the stuff. And now you can, too, with Harry Carson’s Gatorade shampoo and creme rinse. Leaves hair feeling . . . well, kind of thick.”

Phil McConkey for “Phil! You Nut!”

“Most people know me as a soft-spoken guy. That’s why I want to tell you about my new book, ‘Phil! You Nut!’ It’s about a sensitive, shy, former helicopter pilot who turns to pro football and starts waving towels, does a radio show and shoots his mouth off to every TV camera in sight. ‘Phil! You Nut!’ From Random Mouth publishers.

Bill Parcells for Grape Nuts:

“You know, out here, life is natural. Mountains. Streams. Grizzly bears. This is where I come to unwind and plan for next season. But first, a heaping bowl of Grape Nuts cereal. That’s how I start my day out here. You know, people wonder how I built the Giants into a winner so fast. No big secret. See, I put the cereal outside my door, and I wait, and wait. . . .”

“GRRRRR. . . . “

“Lookie there. My next nose guard.”


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