To: Mr. Joe Glass, Larry Brown’s agent
Dear Mr. Glass,
I would like you to represent me.
Before you say yes or no, may I say how much I admire your work? I have watched you take Larry Brown from Denver to New Jersey to San Antonio to L.A. to Indiana to Philadelphia to Detroit to New York City. Wow! Where I come from, you only move that much if the cops are chasing you. Any agent who can find that much work is my kind of guy!
I also admire how you stand up for your client. The way you insist Larry is seriously ill even when everyone else around him is scratching their heads and saying, “He seems fine.” That’s the loyalty I need!
And the way you insisted the Pistons say they “fired” Larry even though it was clear he wanted out? Brilliant!
And – ooh, I love this one – the way you complain how Larry is being “disrespected,” even when Larry was the one letting Cleveland woo him last year, and Larry is the one this year being accused by the Knicks of calling teams on his own to suggest trades?
And LARRY is being disrespected?
Smashing! Genius! You’re the guy I want!
Don’t say yes or no yet.
Show me the money!
First, let me add my admiration for your numbers. We all know this is a money business, brother, and brother, is money ever your business! Just take your last few years. You got Larry a five-year, $25-million deal with Detroit – after escaping from Allen Iverson’s insanity in Philly. Personally, I would have kissed you for that!
But no, after two years, you managed to wiggle out of Detroit, go to New York for double the money, $50 million for five years, AND you got the Pistons to give you $7 million in walk-away money. I love that! Walk-away money! Personally, when money walks away from me, I never see it again.
But you get Larry paid EVEN WHEN HE DOES NOTHING!
In fact, last year, with the $7 million from the Pistons and the $10 million from the Knicks, Larry made around $17 million FOR WINNING 23 GAMES!
That’s almost $740,000 per win.
Now that’s what I’m talking about.
Still, this current deal may be your masterpiece. When you brought Larry “home” to New York, and you made it seem like it was all about the basketball, even though he was leaving a championship-caliber team to take over an asylum? That was amazing spin.
But now, after one year, after Larry’s complaining about players he knew he was getting, after debating those players in the press, after lamenting how he was a “dead man walking” even though dead men don’t make $10 million a year unless they’re named Elvis – now Larry has managed to get fired again, and you are going for the whole $40 million in owed money.
Forty million to NOT work.
Joe. Buddy. I take my hat off. I put it in my hand. Hat in hand.
Take me on. Please?
It’s all about me
I need your tenacity. I need your myopia. I need your ability to always portray me, your client, as the victim, to rush to my defense, to tell the world that I am misunderstood, that I’m a good guy, that I only want to do what I do best – all the while trying to figure out how rich we can get.
I need that magic. I need that touch. I hear you’re even considering a new move, to Charlotte, where Larry could be united with another former NBA guard, Michael Jordan. The way I see it, if he signs fast, Larry could be cashing checks from three teams in 13 months.
Please! You gotta rep me!
I’m a good guy. Just ask me. I’m a victim. Just ask me. I’m misunderstood. Just ask me. Say yes. I’ll pay you whatever Larry is paying you. The way I see it, given the players I’m dealing with, I may need one of his get-out-of-town deals really fast.
Your biggest fan, Isiah Thomas
Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-223-4581 or firstname.lastname@example.org.