Well, we’ve come to the end of another long and hard season, and Elvis still hasn’t shown up for a Falcons game.
Let’s get right to the picks, shall we? . . .
* Seattle 30, Lions 23: I know football players all want to win. But somehow, playing to earn a 7-9 record is not the same as trying to make the playoffs.
* Chicago 23, Kansas City 20: The only people who like the weather in Chicago this time of year are the Bears.
* Philadelphia 24, Phoenix 20: I don’t want to the say the Eagles — who have knocked out seven opposing quarterbacks — take great pride in doing this. I will say they have seven notches on their helmets.
* Buffalo 20, Washington 17: Actually, both teams decide that there is no reason to play, because both are in the playoffs. This is just the score they make up to tell the media.
* Cincinnati 34, Cleveland 7: When the gun sounds, the Cleveland players fall to their knees and scream, “THANK GOD!”
* Miami 28, Indianapolis 14: Wouldn’t it be funny if Dan Marino got 50 pairs of Isotoner gloves for Christmas — and nothing else?
* New York Giants 24, New England 7: Sam Jankovitch, the new CEO of the Pats, asked his team to “play your hardest” last week. The Pats lost, 42-7. This week, Sam says, “OK, now try your easiest.”
* San Francisco 17, Minnesota 10: The highlight of this meaningless game is when Jerry Burns joins the rock group The Clash for a halftime rendition of
“Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
* Dallas 20, Atlanta 17: A major brawl — during which Jerry Glanville and Jimmy Johnson fight about who had that hairstyle first.
* Denver 9, Green Bay 6: After which both teams say, “Can we go home now?”
* Tampa Bay 21, New York Jets 13: Now here’s a game you want to rush home for.
* LA Raiders 20, San Diego 9: Black and blue for New Year’s.
* Pittsburgh 17, Houston 10: No Moon, no sunshine.
* New Orleans 26, LA Rams 13 (Monday night): To try and boost ratings for this turkey, Dan Dierdorf challenges Al Michaels to a basket-shooting contest.
“Hey,” Dierdorf says, “if Costas can get away with this garbage, so can we.”
* Last week: 9-5.
* Last week vs. spread: 5-9.
* Season record: 133-77.
* Season vs. spread: 107-100-3.
* Best pick last week: Lions 24, Green Bay 20. Lions won, 24-17.
* Worst pick last week: Houston 31, Cincinnati 24. Bengals won, 40-20.