MR. OSCAR’S ANSWERS WORTHY OF AN AWARD

Once again, it’s time for Mr. Oscar, the man with the Academy Award answers. He’s the Best Boy! The Key Grip! Let’s go to this year’s mailbag.

Dear Mr. Oscar: What is the secret of “The Crying Game?”

I (boo hoo) can’t tell you.

Dear Mr. Oscar: If Clint Eastwood actually wins Best Actor this year, what will his acceptance speech be like?

“Unnnh . . . rrrr . . . thank you . . . rrrnnn.”

Hey dude. I don’t see “Wayne’s World” nominated for nuthin’, dude. What’s the matter with those sphincter boys dude?

Shouldn’t you be in wood shop class?

Mr. Oscar, what was “Howard’s End”?

$5 million up front, 5 percent of the gross.

Dear Mr. Oscar. Why do we give out Best Foreign Language Film? Aren’t the Oscars an American prize?

Sacre bleu! Vous ete un pomme de terre!

(Good point. We’ll consider it.)

Dear Mr. Oscar. If the song “Friend Like Me!” from “Aladdin” wins the Oscar, who will accept, Robin Williams, or the Genie?

Have you been taking your medication?

Please. The secret of “The Crying Game”?

Sorry, I (boo hoo) can’t (sob) tell you.

“Best Sound?” What is Best Sound?

Sorry, couldn’t hear you. Can you repeat the question?

How do you win Best Art Direction?

You yell “Paint, damn it! Paint!”

Dear Mr. Oscar: What is the formula for Best Actor nomination?

Every year its the same. There must be: 1) The sympathetic geezer who never won; 2) The foreigner no one can understand; 3) The young guy who doesn’t have a chance; 4) A politically correct selection; 5) Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, or Robert DeNiro.

And what is the formula for Best Actress?

1) See if Meryl Streep made any films. 2) See if Jodie Foster made any films. 3) See if Susan Sarandon made any films. 4) See if Michelle Pfeifer made any films. 5) A foreigner.

Dear Mr. Oscar: I am outraged! How come the best actor out there, the man who pulls people in to the theaters, the man who truly shows the entire range of human emotion, wasn’t even nominated? I am talking about Steven Seagal.

Easy now, fellah. Put down the gun . . .

Was The Oscar originally The Felix?

Easy now, fellah. Put down the gun . . .

Mr. Oscar: I see that Woody Allen was nominated for Best Original Screenplay. Will this be the year he shows up?

Sure. He’s bringing the kids.

Hey, Mr. Oscar: One of the nominated foreign language films is a German movie named “Schtonk.” What is that?

I can’t say. Isn’t this a family newspaper?

Come on. What’s the secret of “The Crying Game?”

No (sob). Stop (honk!) asking!

Dear Mr. Oscar: I didn’t get to see “Unforgiven.” What was it about?

About nine hours long, with lots of rain.

Dear Mr. Oscar: I was surprised to see Kevin Costner missing from this year’s list. Shouldn’t he win something for “The Bodyguard.”

He did. Worst haircut.

What’s the difference between the two colon movies “Christopher Columbus: The Discovery” and “1492: Conquest of Paradise?”

1: Stunk. 2: Really stunk.

Is it true John Belushi was actually nominated for Best Actor in Animal House?

Urrp. Yeah. What about it?

Dear Mr. Oscar: Isn’t it unusual that Al Pacino is nominated for both Best Supporting Actor and Best Actor?

Yes. He is thinking of rolling them together and trying for Best Cast.

Mr. Oscar: Remember last year, when Jack Palance won his award and did those one-handed push-ups? How will the Oscars match that this year?

They’ve asked Roseanne to do a sit-up.

Who will win Best Original Score?

Michael Jordan. Or Warren Beatty.

Mr. Oscar: Why do they have those dumb, bombastic, overproduced musical numbers during a show about the movies?

Hello, question!

That’s a good, question!

Its so nice to have it back where it belongs.

La dee da dee dee. . . .

Shouldn’t Michael Jackson receive an Oscar for his performance during that Oprah Winfrey interview?

Those are the Emmys.

If Jaye Davidson, the transsexual nominated for Best Supporting Actor, wins the award will he/she accept it, and shouldn’t he/she win for Best Supporting Actress, too?

I/he/she have no clue as to his/her plans.

Didn’t you just give away the secret of “The Crying Game?”

Ooops. And now a commercial message. . .

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