The alarm clock. It can’t be . . . oh, no. It is.
It is the midway point of the football season. It is time for the midterm exam my boss always gives me. And I forgot to study. I meant to study. But there was this movie on Channel 50 and I ordered a pizza and . . .
I walk into the office. He is there with the exam and the little blue exam book. I sit down at my chair, with the little desk part on the one side.
“NO CHEATING” says my boss. “DO NOT LOOK AT THE EXAM UNTIL I SAY SO. ANSWER BRIEFLY AND NEATLY. FIRST WIPE THAT PIZZA STAIN OFF YOUR CHIN. YOU MAY BEGIN.”
1. Name three teams that have exceeded their expectations so far.
That’s easy. Atlanta and Minnesota and . . . uh . . .
2. Who is Napoleon McCallum?
2. McCallum . . . Uh, the guy on “The Man From Uncle” ? . . .
3. Who do the Chicago Bears go to for short yardage?
3. Doug Flutie?
4. What place are the Indianapolis Colts in?
4. Oh, a bad place. A very bad place.
5. Name two Jacksons that have been a disappointment so far.
5. Bo and Janet?
6. Why, based on your above answers, do you feel even remotely qualified to be picking the NFL games?
6. The kids love me.
And now, the picks . . .
BENGALS 24, LIONS 10: The Bengals are an OK team that has not played anyone special. They are 5-3. Detroit is an OK team that has not played anyone special. They are 3-5. Why is that?
EAGLES 24, CARDINALS 10: If St. Louis gets any worse, we are sending them to the CFL.
BUCS 20, BILLS 17: Buffalo vs. Tampa Bay? They’d better have a good halftime show planned.
CHIEFS 30, CHARGERS 17: New coach. New quarterback. Same old problems.
STEELERS 28, PACKERS 7: Pittsburgh vs. Green Bay? They’d better have a good halftime show planned.
BRONCOS 28, RAIDERS 27: Let’s get this straight. Denver is going to the Super Bowl. OK? You got that? Everybody? You — in the back? You got that?
JETS 24, SEAHAWKS 17: You can’t stay indoors forever, Seattle.
BROWNS 24, COLTS 13: Cleveland vs. Indianapolis? They’d better have a good– forget it. Nobody watches halftime shows, anyhow.
GIANTS 16, COWBOWS 10: There is a very scientific way to figure out the Dallas vs. New York games. Who won the last one? They lose this time.
FALCONS 21, PATRIOTS 17: Not only that, but Atlanta wins the best names of the week award: Turk Schonert, Sylvester Stamps and Charlie Brown.
DOLPHINS 27, OILERS 14: Moon under Miami.
SAINTS 24, 49ERS 21: Go marching in.
REDSKINS 23, VIKINGS 17: I know, I know. I know how much Minnesota has improved. I still can’t get with a team that starts a guy named Darrin Nelson. Wasn’t he on “I Dream Of Jeannie”?
BEARS 27, RAMS 10 (MONDAY NIGHT): No more Doug Flutie jokes. Really. Stop it right now. There have been too many. No more. Honestly. Cut it out. Now then. Did you hear the one about . . .
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Giants 31, Redskins 28. Giants won, 27-20.
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Bills 24, Patriots 23. Patriots won, 23-3.
RECORD LAST WEEK: 10-4.
RECORD FOR SEASON: 81-30-1.