Week 3. I see things. I see Jim McMahon opening a restaurant in San Diego called “Not Ditka’s.” I see Joe Montana asking to get whatever Randall Cunningham got, plus interest. I see the Lions putting the league’s new noise rule into effect — when the Bears’ fans at the Silverdome make too much noise. I see things.
And this is what I see in the picks. . . .
* CHICAGO 24, DETROIT 16: The Bears storm Bob Gagliano, only to hear him yell, “Wait! Don’t hit me! I’m getting married tomorrow!” They stop, leave him alone. Unfortunately, they beat up everyone else.
* MINNESOTA 40, PITTSBURGH 0: Every NFL team must now beat Pittsburgh by at least 40 points; otherwise the other teams laugh at it.
* WASHINGTON 31, DALLAS 21: No knock on Gerald Riggs, but if I were his wife, I wouldn’t let him touch the china.
* SAN FRANCISCO 24, PHILADELPHIA 21: Cunningham’s mayoral campaign suffers a setback.
* NEW ORLEANS 34, TAMPA BAY 23: Sorry. The Saints can only lose to one Bay per month.
* NEW ENGLAND 20, SEATTLE 10: Brian Bosworth is back at his favorite position — injured reserve. Let’s face it. The guy has been a bigger bust than Morganna.
* LA RAMS 24, GREEN BAY 16: Did you see where Tony Mandarich was quoted as saying “I’m sick of hearing about Vince Lombardi” ? Funny. That’s what the rest of the country is saying about Mandarich.
* KANSAS CITY 20, SAN DIEGO 19: Because of . . . well, actually . . . it’s like . . . ah, who knows? I’m just guessing here.
* NY GIANTS 28, PHOENIX 14: Let’s see. Last week the Giants played the Lions. This week they play the Cardinals. What’s next week? Brother Rice?
* INDIANAPOLIS 21, ATLANTA 17: Eric Dickerson has to win a game by himself sooner or later.
* MIAMI 35, NY JETS 17: Have you noticed that Dan Marino hasn’t been sacked in 14 games? And have you noticed how all his linemen are wearing the Isotoner gloves he gave them for Christmas?
* HOUSTON 20, BUFFALO 17: The Bills look troubled. Did you see wide receiver Chris Burkett march off the field last week, pouting at quarterback Jim Kelly? Burkett was waived a few days later. So much for harmony.
* DENVER 30, LA RAIDERS 12: I keep waiting for Al Davis to suit up at linebacker.
* CLEVELAND 21, CINCINNATI 20 (Monday night): Ickey Woods is out for the season. His mother, however, has volunteered to continue doing The Shuffle, provided someone else scores the touchdowns.
* RECORD LAST WEEK: 9-5.
* RECORD VS. SPREAD: 8-6.
* SEASON RECORD: 20-8.
* SEASON RECORD VS. SPREAD: 15-12-1.
* BEST PICK LAST WEEK: LA Rams 30, Indianapolis 20. Rams won, 31-17.
* WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Minnesota 24, Chicago 21. Bears won, 38-7.