Well, it’s Christmas Day, and no doubt many families are hunkering down around the fire, singing a few Christmas songs. Which is nice. Then again, you wonder how those songs might come out if a few familiar faces had their way
. . . WHITE CHRISTMAS
(as sung by Sparky Anderson)

I’m dreaming of a right . . . hander

Just like the ones I used to know,

One who swings for fences

That kind of gent is,

What I, need much more than snow, oh ho,

I’m dreaming of a right . . . hander

To put those lefties in their place,

May he sign his contract to-niiiight,

And may all his RBIs be right JINGLE BELLS
(As sung by the New York Giants, Dallas Cowboys and Los Angeles Raiders)

Jingle Bells, something smells,

Fifty miles away,

Could it be the football,

We’re putting out these days, hey?

Jingle Bells, nothing sells,

Once the world we shook,

Listen mister, while you’re here,

Would you please buy our books? A MERRY CHRISTMAS
(as sung by Bobby Knight)

I wish you a &! Christmas,

I wish you a &! Christmas,

I wish you a &! Christmas,

. . . who put this $(*&$! chair in here? THE CHRISTMAS SONG
(as sung by baseball free agents)

Gary Gaetti by an open fire,

Jack Morris scratching at his nose,

Nobody signs, when nobody bites,

With owners cold as Eskimos,

Everybody knows, a turkey and mistletoe,

Ain’t the same as a five-year deal,

Though it’s been said, many times, many ways,

It’s collusion, pass the Strohs ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
(as sung by John McEnroe)

Bleepin’ around the Christmas tree,

With that bleepin’ Christmas cheer,

None of those moron referees,

To spoil my good time here,

Bleepin’ around the Christmas tree,

Have a happy holiday,

Puttin’ the star up on the tree

And– no, Tatum, on top, ON TOP! ARE YOU BLEEPING BLIND? WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?– WINTER WONDERLAND
(as sung by Dennis Conner)

Phone calls ring, am I listenin’?

Diners Club, wants me enlistin’,

I’m sailin’ along, my boat is so strong,

Yachting through a winner’s wonderland.

Yes it’s true, I got the right stuff,

On my lips, is the white stuff,

It’s perfect my dear, for kissing the mirror,

Yachting through a winner’s wonderland. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN
(as sung by Jim McMahon and Brian Bosworth)

God rest ye merry Mohawkheads,

Is all we want to say

You know the razor down the head

was born on Christmas Day,

And if you need some mousse to make

The edges stand up straight,

Doo it proud, Doo it over, Doo it great SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
(as sung by Jacques Demers)

You better watch in,

You better cry up,

You better not sit like a bump on a door

Jacques Demers is speaking the English,

He’s raking the list, translating from French,

“Sometimes you have to step on some heads,”

Jacques Demers is speaking the English

He knows all of his vowels,

And all the continents too,

He knows if the shoe fits, tie it,

As fresh as evening dew,

You better not poke, you’d better not fry,

Better say “he” when you mean to say “I”

Jacques Demers is speaking the English SILENT NIGHT
(as sung by Sugar Ray Leonard)

Silent night, holy cow,

Who is left,

for me to fight now?

By the fireplace, do I sit,

How many people did I tell I’d quit?

Would they really mi-iiiind,

If I gave Tyson a try?

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