The regular season is over. The bleachers are empty. The hot dogs are cold.
Which can mean only one thing. It’s time for the annual end-of-season baseball quiz.
1. The experts predicted that St. Louis and Los Angeles would have dismal seasons. Yet both teams finished first in their divisions. This proves: A) The experts are fools
B) St. Louis is really Chicago, and LA is really San Diego
C) I never hang around with experts
2. Kansas City plays on artificial turf. Toronto plays on artificial turf. This means their AL playoff series:
A) Will not really count
B) Will never see a hose
C) Will be rewarded with an artificial pennant 3. What is as rare as “a love good and true?”
A) A sellout in Cleveland
B) Kirk Gibson, clean-shaven
C) Tommy Lasorda refusing a meal 4. The most amazing sight this season was:
A) Phil Niekro still pitching at age 46
B) Pete Rose still hitting at age 44
C) Rusty Staub still fitting into a uniform 5. The reason there will be no “Subway Series” this year?
A) The Mets blew it
B) The Yankees blew it
C) Bernhard Goetz 6. Who said, “To err is human, to forgive divine”?
A) William (The Scooter) Shakespeare
B) The Detroit Tigers infield
C) Whoever put Howard Cosell on the World Series broadcast team. Again. 7. Who is “Knucksie”?
A) Phil Niekro
B) Joe Niekro
C) Tootsie’s younger sister 8. Who wins the cleanest-living award for 1985?
A) Dale Murphy
B) Steve Garvey
C) Is there a difference? 9. How would you handle an outfield of Dave Parker, Lonnie Smith and Tim Raines?
A) Avoid the high fly
B) Make siren noises when you come to bat
C) With a warrant 10. What were Yogi Berra’s last words after being fired from the Yankees?
A. “I ain’t over till I’m over.”
B. “I’ll be back. I got some shirts to pick up.”
C. “This is good. Now I don’t have to come to the park so early.” 11. What do they call a Texas League blooper down in Texas?
A) An Our League blooper
B) Hey, whatdya call that?
C) A single 12. What do the Cubs, Padres and Tigers all have in common?
A) The letter S
B) The rest of the month off
C) A sudden desire to see “Back To The Future” 13. Since the Tigers finished third this year, the expression “Bless You Boys” now becomes:
A) Bless You More Boys
B) Bless Whichever Of You Are Not Traded Boys
C) Bless You Boise
D) What you say when Cub Scouts sneeze 14. Who had the swiftest move of 1985?
A) Vince Coleman from first to second
B) Vince Coleman from second to third
C) The players who got immunity for testifying in the drug trials 15. Who faced his enemies with “the jawbone of an ass?”
C) George Steinbrenner. Think about it. 16. Kirk Gibson is about to become a free agent. This means he will soon be:
A) Very rich
B) Very, very rich
C) Oh, boy, you won’t believe how rich
D) An ex-Tiger 17. What is the proper strategy with a pitching staff of Pascual Perez, Joaquin Andujar and Steve Howe?
A) Take a head count each inning
B) Have a large bullpen
C) Schedule them all on the same day. Odds are one will show up. 18. Which relief pitcher landed with the biggest thud this season?
A) Bill Caudill
B) Neil Allen
C) Aurelio Lopez. He weighs more than both of them. 19. Where do you most often find the agony of defeat?
A) In Cleveland
B) In San Francisco
C) Inside de shoes